


Sticks and Stones

by NicoleEdxAl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Domestic Violence, Highschool AU, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Soccer ish AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-24 19:27:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12019434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoleEdxAl/pseuds/NicoleEdxAl
Summary: Will Eren's little hidden crush on the soccer teams' captain ever turn into something more?First person POV





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Now that 'Save Me' is over, i had to start another ereri fic 'cause i love these boys so much T_T

No one likes school, it's just a fact. If there's someone out there that breaks this mold then I envy them more than I care to admit. I'm sure college isn't bad, but I have at least four more years until I can apply. I'm one of those kids who has no idea what they want to do in life and have nothing mapped out for the future. I don't' excel in anything and have no outstanding talents or hobbies; I'm pretty boring to be honest. All I can do is sit on the sidelines and watch my cousin succeed at everything. I swear there's nothing she can't master if she takes the time.

She was adopted when she was only five. Her parents suddenly disappeared, though she doesn't' remember them. I'd say that's a good thing so she can use her brain to its full potential with no set backs. I'm jealous and it's as simple as that. Her grades always surpass the nineties and she's on every sports team representing our school, on top of being one of the most popular kids in the senior years. Then there's me; the loser doing his homework on the bleachers. Even if I try my hardest, I can barely achieve a passing grade and that comes back to bite me in the ass.

My work remains neglected on my lap where I'm not even trying. I'm too distracted watching the co-ed soccer team warm up for their practice. As expected, my cousin is there leading the rest in the laps beside the top boy on the team. I would have fallen on my face ten times by now, especially when the ball is added. My hand eye coordination is comparable to a fish.

I let the pen fall from my hand onto my open book so I can watch a little more. My essay can wait a few more minutes. I'll pretend I'm watching Mikasa. I mean, sometimes I do, but mainly I'm focused on someone else. I'm going to admit I have a little crush on the center forward, or 'striker' as they like to call him. Levi. He's the team captain and top boy running beside Mikasa. He's in grade eleven from what I've heard, but that's the extent of my knowledge. I've never talked to him mainly because he's way out of my league. Why would he want to associate with the weird boy with no friends? Besides, girls swarm him on a regular basis, so it's not like I have a chance. Two younger girls pass by the field on their way home pointing and blushing when he pushes the dark hair from his eyes. It proves my point pretty well.

I've sat through a hand full of practices since the season started, but it's always the same story. Most of the girls on the team flirt with Levi during water breaks and I can't help but wish this was a boys only team so I wouldn't get so jealous. I can't help but get a little mad. I try to concentrate on my homework, but I can always hear their high pitched giggles and ditsy responses. I suppose that's what I get for doing work at a soccer field.

I sigh and turn back to the blank paper on my lap. I'm not one of those rich kids who carries around a laptop so I make due with the old fashioned pen and paper. I've scribbled more in the margins than done any actual writing. I'm running low on ideas with the flawless guy running in the distance. It's a shame he has nothing to do with the essay. Maybe I should go home. I don't want to be late anyways or I'll hear about it ten times over.

I do a quick check on my phone noticing a missed call from my mom, no doubt wondering where I am. Sometimes she forgets I like to stay after school when I can. I've told her it's because of Mikasa's practices, but she doesn't need to know the real reason I'm here. I'm not ready for her to know the truth yet, and maybe she never will. The only one who knows my secret is my cousin only because she noticed me staring off at Levi before. She's more of a sister then a cousin, so I can trust her not to tell anyone. I might be the only gay boy in the whole school. No one is open about that kind of thing for obvious reasons- except Ymir. She's made it painfully obvious she wants to marry Christa. No one screws with her unless they want a black eye, so everyone's excepted it.

I tuck my papers neatly into my bag making sure no corners are sticking out to get bent. I try to keep everything as organized as possible. It's a quirk I picked up from my mom after helping her so much. The rough draft of my essay will have to wait for when I have ideas. I might get a few on the way home if I'm lucky.

“Hey, kid!”

My head snaps up giving me temporary whiplash. I clutch my bag close to my chest when Levi jogs over. I have to look around to make sure he's not addressing somebody else. He tosses his bag next to the bleachers and slips a phone from his pocket. That's a dangerous spot to leave technology when you're dealing with a ball flying at your face, but what do I know. My mouth is so dry I can't squeak out a single word of acknowledgment.

“Are you gonna be here for awhile?”

Here? Does he mean the school? The field? I can't process anything. I've never been this close to him before besides passing him in the hallways.

“Do you mind watching my shit?”

He's looking at me. I've never noticed the deep blue of his eyes. I always thought they were grey. Snap out of it Eren. Say something.

“Y-yes!”

Fuck. I practically yelled at him.

“You do mind?”

“No!” I-I mean... I'll watch it- I'll watch your bag.”

I should run away before I make an even bigger idiot of myself. From the look on his face he's regretting asking the crazy kid to watch his things.

“Alright, well, thanks. I owe you one.”

He tosses his phone on top of his bag and jogs back to the field to join the rest of the team. I watch him until my mind snaps back into reality. Levi actually talked to me. I know it was something simple and dumb, but it was still a first. My heart is throbbing against my ribs making it painful and hard to see straight. I'm no stranger to this feeling, but Levi has never been the one to initiate it. I need to hide the smile on my face before someone notices.

So much for my plan of going home. It won't be too bad if I'm a few minute late, right? I can always lie. I've gotten pretty good at that. It will be worth having Levi come back to get his things, and maybe even talk again. I'm stupid for getting so excited. I can't help that I really like him. I doubt he knew I existed at all until now.

I don't bother pulling out my notebook from it's tight little pocket in my bag. My head is in the clouds wondering what I'll say at the end of the practice. Should I ask Levi about school? That's a little cliche and more of something a parent would ask. If I ask something personal, he'll think I'm a creep. How do normal people make friends?I need some guidance, but unfortunately they don't teach any classes on social interactions here.

My chin is resting on my backpack while I watch the single ball being dribbled around like they could all do it in their sleep. Levi's footwork is flawless and flows like water. Despite being short for his age he's surprisingly fast and can fake out over half the players with no effort. I might be blushing now that I think about it. He's always chosen with Mikasa for demonstrations by the coach and I watch each one eagerly. It's exhausting to watch the suicides so I can understand how they got such a dreaded name. Levi finishes first every time followed closely by Mikasa. Besides them, I don't know anyone else on the team besides Connie. He's dating the head of the drama club, Sasha. They've been together since elementary school from what I've heard.

Whenever stray eyes meet mine, I look away and pretend to be staring at the traffic in the distance. The buses have cleared out leaving the parking lot empty save for the lucky bastards who can drive. I won't be getting my license anytime soon.

The ball rolls out on my side and there's no pause before its thrown back in to continue the play. I don't know much about soccer besides whatever Mikasa tells me and more of that information goes right through one ear and out the other. I'm never going to play sports so it's not like I need to memorize any of it.

Practice lasts two hours and I stay for the entire thing. I could have gone home an hour ago if it weren't for my new mission of guarding Levi's bag. It's getting cool so I let out a shiver while the players clear off the field wiping sweat from their faces. I don't have a sweater so I'll suffer until this is over. I've been waiting like a puppy for Levi to come back. I'm going to ask him about soccer; obviously a topic of interest. He approaches with someone else from the team discussing some tactical shit that I will pretend to like if I have to.

I watch him dry off using the plain towel around his neck to accompany the chain. It looks really good on him. I'm forced to keep my nerves in tact when he bends down bellow me to stuff his oversize water bottle into his bag. He looks exhausted- more so than usual with the dark circles under his eyes. I mistook them for makeup, but it turns out every part is natural.

“Thanks again for watching my shit.”

Is he talking to me? Duh, Eren, wake up.

“Y-yeah. You're welcome.”

The stutter annoys me to no end, but I can't help it.

Now spit something out. Start a conversation with the guy, compliment him, anything. I've rooted myself to this bench for hours waiting for this. But what if he thinks I'm weird? What if he rolls his eyes at my words and walks away? That would hurt more than anything I've felt before. I would embarrass myself in front of the whole senior soccer team. This would be so much easier if we were alone.

“U-Um... Levi-”

“Hey, Levi!”

Attention is drawn away from me to an older boy waving like a maniac on the other side of the chain linked fence. I avert my eyes quickly and clutch my napsack.

“Do you want a ride home?”

“Sure.”

There's no window of time for me to talk without being interrupted when Levi gets up, adjusting the strap of his bag so it rests against his side. There's a few key chains rattling on the zippers, but I can't see what they are from the corner of my eyes. He's paying attention to the dirty blond boy so I'm completely invisible and feel like crying. Soon Mikasa will be over here ranting at me, so my chance will be gone entirely. Why is this so hard?

“Did you say something?”

His voice is so soft, but I can't speak. I keep my eyes down and hop off the bleachers. I've strategically pushed my bangs over my face so he can't see me properly. I'm no longer of interest now that my services are done and his friends are crowding around like flies on shit. I was really hoping I would get to talk to him. When am I ever going to get an opportunity like that again?

“No, sorry.”

Why am I apologizing?

Because I'm not good enough. I'm a piece of dirt under his cleat that means nothing. I'm sorry for wasting your time when you're not interested. I'm sorry for having you associate with a piece of trash like me when you have real friends.

He doesn't stay long with so many guys urging him to hurry up so they can all stop for fast food. I fix my own bag over my shoulder and kick at the ground when Mikasa shows up panting softly from the latest workout. She pokes at me like a child to make sure I'm still living. I'm spacing out more than usual thanks to my latest failure.

“Are you sick?”

Mentally.

“No. I'm just tired.”

“You didn't have to stay for the whole practice you know.”

I'm seeing that now. I could have left and nothing would have changed. I was used to watch a bag that was in no danger to begin with. What a waste of time. I'm not special. I just so happened to be the unfortunate shit sitting at the field in that particular moment. It could have been anyone.

There's a vibration in my pocket that I know is my mom calling again being a worry wart. I have an outstanding three contacts, so it's nothing to get hyped about when I'm getting called. A quick check of the ID tells me I'm right with a little sigh escaping my lips. It's hard for me to enjoy my time out when she's dialing me every thirty minutes.

“I need to go.”

There's no argument, just a nod before we part ways. Levi is in the parking lot with his friends when I walk by; none of them acknowledging my presence. Coming here wasn't worth it at all.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

My walk home became more of a run the moment I checked my voice mails. All of them I neglected on the field and all of them from my mother, each sounding more terrified than the last.

_“Eren, where are you? You're late”_

_“Eren, please pick up your phone.”_

_“I told you we were having dinner tonight”_

_“Your father is here.”_

_“Please come home.”_

How absentminded can I get? She told me twenty times that my father was going to be back. He's been on a 'business trip' for the past few weeks serving as an emergency surgeon over seas. It's not a fun job by any means, and me being late won't serve to make him more thrilled.

Climbing the two front steps is so exhausting after running several blocks at top speed. I'm out of breath by the time I get inside with warm air hitting my face. It's quiet and that's the worst feeling. There's a single light coming from the dinning room and I'm desperately hoping my parents are having dinner like a civilized couple, but I know that won't be the case. I stumble into the doorway and drop my bag to release the load off my shoulders after seeing the look on my father's face. I was getting used to coming home to my mother and a smile on her face, now her eyes are down, lips in a straight line and her hands clasped tightly in her lap. Not a relaxing meal at all.

The silence is killing me internally. I'm scrambling for words in the back of my head to break the tension in the air and give my father some sort of answer that he's demanding with his gaze.

“Sorry I'm late... I was... getting help with my essay.”

The essay that doesn't have so much as one word written.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?”

My father's voice is low and threatening like it always is. Complete ice was no warmth to be felt for miles. I never knew it was possible to shake so much when the room temperature is through the roof.

“I know... I'm really sorry.”

“You're sorry? Sorry fixes jack shit.”

“Honey, he was getting help with his school wor-”

“Shut up!”

I flinch when an open palm connects with the wooden table nearly splitting it in half. My mother makes a sharp cry, but silences herself immediately and fumbles with her trembling fingers.

“He wouldn't need any help if you hadn't raised such a stupid fucking son!”

The words are harsh, but I'm no stranger to having them collide with my heart. He's right after all. I can't do anything right and I'm far from intelligent in any way. There's a high chance I'm failing math and borderline on English. I'm stupid and I can't deny anything he says.

“I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again.”

He's silent and that scares me more than anything. Were my words wrong? What was I supposed to say?

“All I ask is for a family dinner in return for providing for this family, and all I get from you is 'you're sorry'?”

“W-we can still have dinner.”

“I don't want you anywhere in my sights.”

My body curls in involuntarily and I lower my eyes to resemble the defeated state of my mother. I really screwed up and he won't accept my apology. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Please tell me what I'm supposed to say.

“You can eat later, sweetie.”

“I said shut up!”

He's more agitated than usual and I want to shrink away so badly. I hate when he yells at mom like that. I'd prefer if he yelled in my face and left her out of this.

“He will get nothing and starve for all I care! Go to your room and stay there!”

I take the chance to turn and bolt up the stairs taking two at a time. I close the door the moment I'm in my room and slide down the wood until I'm sitting on the floor. I'm shaking with the muffled screaming coming from the kitchen. It's one voice as it's always been. My mother never speaks anymore thanks to the fear overwhelming her body. I cry for her when I'm alone because she never shows that weakness.

Tears come down my face the moment my bag slides from my hand. It's full of paperwork that will never be touched; adding to the anger in my father's actions. I did horribly on my history test today and I'll have to hurt because of it. I should have study. I knew what would happen if I didn't, but I finally had time to spend with my mom while my dad was gone. They're moments I will cherish at times like this. Now everything is back to the way it was; we're back to fear the unknown every second of our lives. School is the only place I feel save even if I hate it with a passion.

My father won't stop yelling over something stupid like a crack in one of the dishes, or a stain on the floor that's been there for months, but only now decided to notice it. It's never an argument, only one sided yelling with muffled apologies. I should grow some balls and say something, but I'm too scared. All I do is hide in my room like a coward. I don't have anything to distract me from the yelling other than a few torn doodled pieces of paper on my desk. I can't draw worth crap, but at least it's something.

A door slams close by and I flinch hard covering my ears with the palm of my hands. It's a shot in the dark as to when all of this will end, but who am I kidding. It goes on forever. I'm too afraid to open the door and check on what happened so I remain in the darkness of my room. The sunset looks so pretty when it peaks through the curtains overlapping on my window. It paints golden rays in the air like in a fantasy land. I would love to experience it more, but I'm not allowed to leave the house unless I'm going to school. There's still so much I want to do but I need to wait until I'm older.

I sit in silence not budging an inch. Time passes slowly until the world outside is a blanket of black. I'm suddenly tired no thanks to my eyes being swollen. If I could find some strength I would go lay on my unmade bed and try to fall asleep. I have no intentions of doing anything else.

A soft knock appears at my door. Knowing it's too quiet to be my father I crawl away and reach up to grab the silver handle. It's been tarnished from us living here for so long. I open enough to see my mother looking so small, but it's only her posture. She slides a plate across the floor presenting half a sandwich for me to take. I wipe my eyes quickly just in case she can see my tears reflecting off my skin.

“I know it's not much...”

“T-thank you.”

I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten all day. My mom gave me money for the cafeteria as a special treat, but I felt too guilty to use it. I'll have to give it back. There's so many better things we could use besides a shitty taco salad from our school kitchen. I nibble silently on the corner of the crust enjoying every last crumb to the fullest. It's so plain, but tastes so good.

“You weren't late because you were getting school help, were you?”

Moms know everything. Her voice tells me she isn't mad, though she's aware I was lying. Is that some super power parents have? They're all programmed with the ability to see right through each word. Maybe I'm not as good at lying as I thought I was. I glance down only to have her touch my chin to get the attention back.

“You can tell me the truth. I promise I won't tell a soul.”

More specifically- Dad.

“I-I was watching Mikasa's soccer practice... I'm really sorry I was late... I should have answered your calls... I should have remembered.”

She's twirling my bangs around her finger as if she isn't listening. Apparently it's comforting to her. Something about us having the same length of hair when she was little. I can't picture that at all. Mikasa says we look alike anyways, but I don't see it. I'm relieved she isn't mad, then again, I've never seen my mother mad once in her life. Disappointed, sure, but never mad. She doesn't have a fiber in her body capable of hate, though sometimes I wish she did.

“I don't mind you staying after school, just make sure you come home before four o'clock.”

As long as I'm home before my dad pulls into the driveway, he doesn't have to know.

“I know. I'm sorry.”

I'm so stupid. I risked her getting hurt all for the chance to talk to my high school crush, that doesn't have a snowballs chance in hell at taking off. We'll never have a relationship of any kind. All I'm good for is protecting personal belongings from bag snatchers. If i told my mom the truth she would laugh at me for being co clueless. All teenagers are so new to the world. Besides, I don't need her knowing my sexuality in the first place.

“I'm really sorry.”

I can't say it enough. I put her through that awkward silence until I got home. I'm the one who made him mad enough to yell at her. He should be yelling at me since I'm the one who can't do anything right.

“It's alright. I love you, Eren.”

“I-I love you too, mom.”

She presses a small kiss on the top of my head and removes the plate closing the door behind her. It doesn't make a sound out of sheer practice adjusting to the loud clicking of the bolt. I'm left alone again, this time with a sandwich. It's nothing special, just enough to fill my stomach until tomorrow. I'm too upset to stuff it in my face, so I take slow bites and tuck it close for the fear of beign found out. I wasn't allowed to eat tonight and I wasn't that upset about it to be completely honest. It means there's more money to help with mom's treatments, so it's the least I can do.

The house is quiet now with my father away in my parents bedroom. That means mom will have to sleep on the couch, but at least she's away from him. I think she enjoys the time alone. I can hear her in the kitchen washing dishes and it's something she enjoys contrary to belief. She's rubbed off on me for the most part. I wish I could go downstairs and help her, but I don't need my father finding out I left my room.

I wipe my fingers off on my plain t-shirt and crawl over to the bed leaving my book bag rejected at the door. Why do I bring anything home when I know I'm not going to touch it? Habit maybe. I used to do simple work back in kindergarten, but that was when things were different. I don't know what changed between my family since then, but I know it's my fault. My father and I have nothing in common so we grew apart the older I got. There's no doubt in my mind he likes Mikasa more than me and we're not even related. She's successful and has a future paved out in granite. I have nothing besides a few mediocre report cards ripped up in a landfill several miles away.

I pull off my clothes leaving myself nearly naked when I slide under the covers. I still have my summer sheets and won't change them throughout the seasons no matter what. It's never comfortable sleeping when it's too hot. The clock on my desks reads a quarter past eight and I have nothing better to do than lay in bed and stare at the dulled red numbers. I have a laptop , but no social media. I have no friends, so what's the point. Plus my father is against that kind of thing saying it's dangerous and stupid for anyone to put so much information out into the world. I've survived without it, even if it's pathetic for someone my age. I was always the boy who was picked last in gym and the one who was always alone at recess with a book instead of shooting hoops with the other boys. No one ever approached me, and maybe that was for the better. I mean, who would ever want to meet my family?

My cheek snuggles up to the pillows which have flattened with use from drying the cakes tears on my face. I'll be laying awake for awhile. Sleep doesn't come easily for me. When it does, nightmares occur and I want to avoid them like the plague. If my brain would shut down every once in awhile when I wouldn't be so tired all the time. Dark circles aren't attractive on anyone... well, unless it's Levi. Dammit, I need to forget about him. By tomorrow he'll forget I ever existed and more on while I chase him like a puppy. I need to learn when to give up. Being stubborn isn't a good way to get someone to like you. I'm pursuing someone who no doubt has a girl friend. Besides, I don't want the whole school knowing my secret.

I roll over and try to clean my head, and on average that takes a few hours. Music doesn't help and I've dosed myself with medication; mainly anything I could find in the cupboards. That resulted in a pounding headache when I woke up so that decision wasn't worth it. The bed is never warm or comfortable, yet somehow my homeroom desk is? Falling asleep in class is contributing to my failing grades among other things. The teachers pass me out of pity or to get me out of their class and pushed onto someone else. It's only my first year of high school and I'm hating it more and more each day.

There's always stories about kids getting bullied in their teenage years and I never believed any of them until I became the victim. I'm the perfect target. I'm a loner, I'm stupid and I never stick up for myself. I haven't had my head shoved in a toilet, but I get my books slapped out of my hands and the occasional shoulder into the nearest locker. I suck it up and move on like any normal person would. They're always taller and older than me. It's only a matter of time before they start stealing my lunch money or some cliche thing like that. It always gets worse, doesn't it? If I fight back, I'll end up with a broken nose and a hospital bill down to the floor. Our family can't afford two of us being hospitalized, so all I can do is walk away.

My whole body is exhausted thinking about how many days of torment I have ahead. It's unknown if it will ever stop and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I have to keep my fake smile and straight facade so mom doesn't worry. She has enough on her plate and I don't need to be adding more. I'll get over it. High school doesn't last forever.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The following day classes passed buy as usual; that being painfully slow and agonizing to my brain. I didn't get much sleep last night and a headache is inevitable. I ended up falling asleep in the middle of a History lesson with nothing written down on the new subject. I have no clue what we learned or what I'm required to do for the next project. The teacher hates me for said reasons, so I'm too chicken to ask for help when they know it's my own fault. I'm digging my own grave and clawing at the dirt while it's falling on my face. However, I did manage to beg another student to let me copy his notes, so that has to count for something.

Math and English are the worst because I'm surrounded by a bunch of brainiacs who know everything. Most of the class have their essays almost finished meanwhile I'm struggling to complete my thesis. Math goes completely over my head as I stare blankly at the chalkboard trying to understand all the numbers and symbols scribbled together. It's confusing enough, but then some genius decided to add letters to torture us. When am I ever going to use this kind of stuff? I hate it.

Paperwork is shoved into my bag once again to be forgotten and crumpled beyond saving. I'll be laying in my bed staring at the ceiling while it rots away waiting for a fail to be written in bright red ink. I'm stupid. I'm never going to be as good as the other kids here. I can't stop thinking about it through the whole period.

Lunch is my favourite time for obvious reasons. I don't need any brain power and it's the only time I get to relax and be alone in my little corner of the cafeteria. The edges are always bare while all the popular kids occupy the center throwing balled paper napkins at each other. I keep my head down and scribble my chicken scratch into my book so I can give the notes back to Armin before the day ends. I owe him for letting me borrow them. It was awkward asking someone so bright to help me. I would have liked to avoid it, but I can't go through the semester having no idea what I'm doing.

The clock is my worst enemy from the moment I sit down. Whenever I glance up I can see how little progress I'm making in such a large amount of time. I'm a slow writer to begin with and all the noise isn't helping. Each word is getting progressively more sloppy that I'm afraid I won't be able to read it. My handwriting is terrible compared to Armin's flawless cursive.

I jot down the final sentence on the first page only to have the pen slapped out of my hand leaving a sharp line down the middle of the paper. It scares the hell out of me enough so that my jolt contributed to the mess. It's just another set of boys who like to use my as their chew toy. They're looming over me while I lean down to grab the pen. Common sense is telling me to leave it, but when was the last time I listen to that? I'm shoved out of the seat despite my movements being cautious and slow anticipating it to happen. I catch myself as if I'm drunk as one of the boys snatches up my notebook holding it like it's a dirty sock.

“Give that back!”

They laugh like it's the funniest thing in the world. They couldn't be more original if they tried. A few of the others students occupying the place have noticed, but simply giggle and move on with their day. I'm glad I could be their senseless humor for a few seconds. I'm not worth a second glace and any more would be a waste of time.

“Doing homework? What a fucking loser.”

I make a move to grab my things and fall short being too slow. The book is pulled away and they're threatening to rip it with taunting hands. They're making me dance like a puppet and I'm letting them. All I want is to finish the notes and feel as if I've accomplished something. I'm starting to get anxious on top of a lot of other things. It's all balling into a lump in the bottom of my chest.

“Mind if we borrow this?”

“No! Now give it back!”

“Good, you don't mind.”

“Knock it off! I need that!”

I'm noticing the eyes. I've attracted an audience with my little yelling fits, so I shrink back into my seat to avoid their judging eyes. Most of them are expecting a fight, but they're going to be disappointed. Why am I never allowed to mind my own business?

The moment they turn to leave I feel the water brimming my eyes. I'm so tired and frustrated that it's catching up with me. Fight you idiot. Do something. I can't. I can't move. I don't want to cry in the middle of school. I'll be laughed at. If I come home with swollen eyes my dad will make fun of me and I don't want mom to worry. Hold it in until I get home. That's so far away I don't think I'll make it.

“Hey Jackasses...”

The new voice is barely audible over the variety of conversations mixing together into work vomit. I manage to lift my eyes to see the last person I would ever expect. I have to look away and quickly dry my lids before he sees me.

“Leave the damn kid alone.”

My gaze is locked on my lap fiddling with the pen I just picked up. I think I'm sweating and the throbbing inside my temples has gotten worse. How pathetic that someone else had to step in. And why did it have to be him? Anyone but him. More groups have paused to watch the ongoing scene making me wish I could shrink away and become invisible again.

“Relax, Levi, we were joking around.”

“Yeah, you guys are hilarious.”

He couldn't sound more sarcastic if he tried. I really hope all this ends soon so I can go back to being alone. I don't want Levi over here with me considering how weak I look having a group of jocks covering me in shadows. Only losers get bullied; at least, that's what my father said. If he know about it, he would tell me to grow up and stop being a whimp. No one wants to be around a whimp.

There's a silence being lead up to the moment where my book is being slid across the table under my nose. It's not ruined and that's a huge relief. It's crumpled, but it's nothing I can't fix with a bit of time under some weight.

“Come find me the next time you decide to be assholes.”

It's not directed at me, rather to the group of guys who laugh to themselves before leaving out the side door; likely to smoke or grab lunch at the pizzeria across the street. I really don't care what they're doing since I'm just happy they're gone. This whole ordeal has been a huge inconvenience, putting a dent in the amount of time I have to finish.

I jolt when Levi taps the table beside my arm. I had no idea he was still there, and no idea he wore rings. There's a few dark bands on his fingers I never noticed before. I'm reluctant to look at him, but ultimately give in and meet the deep blue of his eyes. They're an amazing colour.

“Kick them in the balls next time.”

“Y-yeah... sorry.”

Sorry you had to waste your time on someone like me. His heart is in the right place, but I'm not worth helping. I'm starting to blush now that he's lingering so close. My eyes dart away to wait until his shadow disappears; only then do I watch him walk out of the cafeteria with a few friends. Everyone has turned back to their initial conversations thoroughly disappointed they didn't get to see s brawl. Suddenly I have no interest in the work laying on the table. I'm too focused on getting the red out of my cheeks before someone notices. Eren, you idiot. Not only did you look like a pathetic child, but you never thanked him. I don't need to hate myself more than I already do. I really am stupid.

A sigh is the only thing I can get out before flipping open my notes for the second time and fumbling with the pen. I could have talked to him. I missed another chance when my last one was tossed out the window. If I chase after him now it'll be creepy. I don't want to be another person on his ever growing list of cling-ons.

The last pages of my notes are nothing but scribbles, but I managed to finish them before the bell rang in record time. I located Armin rather quickly in the room with his nerdy friends and thanked him ten times over for helping me. Our encounter didn't last very long out of sheer awkwardness, so I packed my things and headed to my last class, which is also my favourite.

I suck at art. The small thing making the class enjoyable is that the teacher is super nice and supportive with my lackluster skills. It's the one class I've never fallen asleep, and for me that's a major accomplishment. There's no real homework which is a bonus being one less thing to worry about and one less thing to fail. I doodle in silence in my usual corner with music hooked into my ears to zone out. It helps me forget about how shitty the real world is and go somewhere else for the time being.

Everyone rushes out of the room once 3 o'clock rolls around with the final bell giving every other student the freedom they want and a new hell for me. I'm always the last one to leave and dragging out my walk home to be as long as possible. The teacher gives a little wave that I don't return, but crack a hint of a smile just to amuse her. My mask falls back into place with the few steps I take into the hall. I tuck my books close and head down listening to the other students laughing and gossiping at their lockers. Some are making plans for after school and others are complaining about the latest test they had, or how their part time work is impossibly hard. I would kill for a job, but my mental state can't support it in the slightest.

The art classroom is the furthest from the front doors to help with my desired long walk. Unfortunately, that's where Locker is located. He's rarely there because of soccer practice, and those are never scheduled on Wednesdays. I pass Mikasa and get a nod; nothing crazy. She has her own life and I leave her to it whenever possible. Following her to soccer practice must be annoying, but it gives me an excuse to linger around longer. She deserves a break from me.

Levi is where I expect him to be slipping on his jacket and tugging it around his shoulders. I'm staring and that's a bad habit I have. He looks really good in black. I need to say something. He's alone and a good portion of the school has cleared out. Should I do it? Don't say anything weird or creepy. What does he consider weird? I'm so nervous. What if he doesn't want me around? I've bothered him enough and he could end up yelling at me. That would be the worst feeling.

I'm brought to his locker despite my mental ramblings and pick anxiously at the bottom of my shirt. He hasn't noticed me so I still have time to run if I want. I think I've been cemented to the ground. He doesn't clue into my presence until he closes his locker and reaches for his bag near my bag with an audible noise making me jump.

“Jesus fuck.”

Oh crap. I did something wrong.

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

“N-no... I'm sorry... I didn't know you had a heart conditio-”

“That was a joke.”

Crap I'm bad at this. Eye contact is so difficult knowing I'll start blushing. I'm stuttering every word as if I've never spoken the English language until now. How embarrassing. He snaps the lock shut to give us a silence that I hate more than my whiny voice. His glance is searching for answers as to why I'm near him being a mute. After all this time I’ve never bothered to stop and chat.

“Do you need something?”

A chance to talk to you is the first thing that comes to mind. I can’t say that. There is another reason my body forced me over here though.

“Um... I wanted to thank you.”

He pauses, but figures out the situation rather quickly. How could he forget the pathetic kid being tormented in the cafeteria. I should be known as the school’s punching bag, but even that name would be to kind.

“Don’t worry about it. But make sure to actually kick them in the nuts next time ‘cause that would be hilarious.”

A smile creeps onto my lips giving me the small amount of courage I need to look at him. I blush as expected but not enough to burn my face off. He’s the first person to ever see it and he’s intrigued with the slightest tilt of his head. No one ever sees me smile.

“Still... thank you.”

“No problem. Those guys can be real pricks sometimes.”

I don’t know anyone here and I’m terrible with names. Each person is either a neutral face or one I should fear. Some look at me with pity and I hate those people. School is the least of my problems when it comes to my emotional state; it’s the simple cherry on top of a shitty sundae.

“You’re really here ‘cause I owe you, right?”

“Owe me?”

“You watched my shit during practice.”

“But... you’re the one who got my book back.”

If anything I’m in his debt for the rest of my life being his personal bag caddie. My whole high school career depends on how thorough I am with my notes. I swear all my teachers hate me for my lack of concentration, but I still try to read through the lessons at home if I’m bored. I’ve never been confronted about my poor work habits and the reasons behind it and I don’t plan on coming clean to anyone. No one has to know about my second life outside of school.

“That doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“It’s common sense to tell people to fuck off when they’re annoying, so give me something else.”

It’s starting to sound like a challenge and I haven’t thought of anything. I stare down at my converse trying to think of something. It’s bad enough that I can’t think of conversations, but now this? I’m going to die of embarrassment. I’m starting to tap the toe of my show against the floor leaving little smudge marks on the tiles. They used to be so clean when the semester first started.

“Do you want money or something?”

“N-no! Nothing like that.”

Come on, say something. Didn't I plan some kind of conversation? His eyes on my are heating up my body in ways I've never felt before turning my brain inside out. Having so close is comforting yet nerve wracking.

“I-I want you to teach me.”

“Teach you what? Times tables?”

He's smirking and poking fun at me only serving to embarrass me further. The strap of my bag becomes my new best friend allowing me to pick at the fabric. He's going to think I'm so stupid for suggesting this, but it's worth a try. If not now, then my chances are over.

“Soccer.”

“Seriously?”

I'm the biggest nerd in the school. It's impossible for me to ever fit in with the jocks, but I'm not trying to be a popular sports fan like Levi might assume. I'm a complete joke when it comes to sports. I've never held a bat or kicked a ball in my life. What have I gotten myself into?

“Isn't your cousin on the team? She could teach you.”

That's code for 'I really don't want to'. It's a giant punch in my gut. I'd prefer if he didn't cover up his reasoning with a bad excuse. He's not the first one to shoot me down after a simple suggestion, so I'm used to it. Who would willing want to be around someone like me?

“She's always busy with friends... but... you don't have to teach me.”

It's not like Levi doesn't have friends as well. He could have plans of his own and I'm being a giant pain in his ass. I'm not actually going to ask Mikasa to teach me. I'm not that interested. It's simply the only thing I can think of to get the chance to be around someone so amazing. Every student in the school knows his name and praise him for his flawless skills. He's comparable to a celebrity around here.

“Levi, hurry up! Farlan is starting to bitch.”

There's a bright eyed red head waving her arms frantically from around the corner to the front doors. I should know better than to butt in when I'm not wanted. I think that might be his girlfriend. I see them together all the time; so much that I'm jealous. I turn away and shrink next to the locker wondering if I should leave or keep dragging this on for no reason.

“Tell him to shut up. I'll be there in a minute.”

The girl disappears in a blur and I rub my shoes against the fresh scuffs to erase them. It's oddly satisfying. Cleaning is therapeutic in its own way. I'm glad the girl didn't linger too long wondering why I'm hanging around Levi like an annoying fly.

“Sorry, kid. I'm busy today.”

That gave him the out he needed. He's letting me down easy instead of shooting me in the foot and letting it bleed. He's going to join his friends and tell them about the weird kid that tried to hang out.

“It's okay... I'm sorry I bothered you.”

Now run. Get out of here before this starts to hurt even more. He's untouchable by someone like me. He's on a pedestal above everyone and I'm not high enough on the social ladder to join him in something as simple as a soccer practice.

“Hold up. That doesn't mean we can't reschedule.”

“R-really?”

Damn my stupid stutter. It's something I haven't been able to change since I can remember. Being nervous makes it worse, so public speaking was a real bitch in public school. Needless to say, I failed that pretty hard.

“Are you free tomorrow after school?”

Is he serious? I really hope I'm not dreaming.

“Y-yes.”

“Good. I'll see you here tomorrow. Same time.”

My mouth is left gaping like a fish the moment Levi jogs off and out the front doors. I'm stuck to the floor and my heart is about to come up my throat. Is it possible to puke out your heart? My palms are sweating and trembling while I try to catch my breath and wrap my brain around what just happened. Did he really say yes? I mean, it's no marriage proposal, but it's exciting non the less.

I need to clutch my hand close to my chest to be sure everything stays in place. I smile like a dork until the feeling comes back into my legs. Walking is new, but comes naturally after the first few steps. Our conversation was short though it was definitely worth it. I never expected those words to pass between us. I'm so giddy and childish wishing I had someone to tell and let out all these emotions before I explode.

My legs bring me out of the school just in time to see Levi drive off shotgun with a group of his friends. He doesn't notice me for those brief seconds and that's good now that a smile has plastered itself on my face. I kick at the ground while I walk the few blocks to my house. I absolutely hate how every feeling of happiness changes the moment I see our tacky old swing on the balcony. I used to sit on it and do my homework back when I had very little to concern myself with. Back in the days where the worst homework was learning the ABCs. It's different now. Everything is.

The whole house is silent the moment I enter. Eyes turn to watch my every step. I don't speak fearing I will say the wrong thing and start an argument. My mother is working silently in the kitchen preparing dinner not daring to hum like she normally does. She smiles briefly and returns to the chopped veggies on the counter. My father is at the table faking interest in the various papers delivered to the house. He doesn't care about community events or news; his only concerns are whether or not we do what we're told.

The most I can manage is a quiet 'Hi' before darting up the stairs cutting off whatever response was coming my way. When I close my bedroom door I feel safe. Sometimes I block it with a chair, but it's not that bad today. I sit on my bed pulling out my latest notes flipping through the scribbles to make some sense out of it. The only thing clouding my brain is what I'm going to wear tomorrow.

It shouldn't be a big deal. It's not like this is a date. We're going to spend a few minutes kicking around a ball not going out for dinner. I'm still nervous. Is that normal? I hop up and rifle through my closet skimming through whatever clean shirts are acceptable in my eyes. Should I wear a long sleeve or a t-shirt? Should I wear jeans or shorts? I've never struggled so much with clothing in my entire life. Mom says I look good in plaid, so I'll take her word for it. After that, I'm drawing on a blank slate.

My go-to is Mikasa, who I text once I locate my phone in the bottom of my bag. I'm afraid to tell her anything. Not because she'll be mad, but there's always the slight possibility she will accidentally tell someone. I swallow the ball of nerves deep into my gut and send a few simple keystrokes bound to peak her interest.

_I need clothing advice._

Her reply comes faster than any text I've ever been sent. I'm sure if I sent her 'help I'm in a ditch somewhere' I would have received something just as quick. Her words end in several question marks making me laugh at how intrigued she is about this whole situation. Me asking for fashion advice is as rare as a solar eclipse, but Mikasa seems to have caught on rather quickly.

_So who is it????_

I haven't shown interest in anyone until now and Mikasa can read me like a book through something as simple as a text. She doesn't have to know any of the specifics. She's always viewed Levi as a rival anyways even if they're always partnered together.

_Someone from my math class._

_Should I come over???_

I'd love to say yes, but the awkward situation downstairs restrains me from giving that answer. It's one of those days where fewer interruptions are better.

_That's okay just tell me what colour to wear._

_Dark green!_

Seriously? I have no clue if I own any dark green. It repeats in my head as a chant when I return to my closet. All I have is a sweater, so I'll work around that and toss the plaid idea in the trash. My shoes should be fine to go with a set of dark jeans. I hope that's enough to prepare me. I return to my phone with my chosen clothes tossed over my desk chair.

_Thanks_

_You can pay me later._

My smirk spreads further and I toss my phone onto the bed. For one in my life, I can't wait for school tomorrow. I lay down and stare at the ceiling as if it's going to open up and give me some amazing view to complete the day. Unfortunately I'm left to find skewed patterns in the tile. My feet have started to fidget restlessly; only stopping when my mom pops her head into my room to call me for supper. Eating early isn't uncommon here. My dad has overnight shifts and prefers eating now instead of bringing something to work.

My mom notices the disastrous state of my room with clothes tossed over the floor, but holds back from making any comment replacing it with a sigh. I'm normally a lot more organized than this. I'll clean it up later.

The dinner table is dead silent save for the soft clinking of our cheap silver wear on glass. I keep my head down for the most part to avoid look my father gives me the longer I stick around. Sometimes I think he would like me better if i didn't eat since I'm a waste of food. I barely eat anyways, but that's not good enough for him.

“How was school, honey?”

My mom does her best at keeping the conversation going to avoid the drawn out silences. It's something I can appreciate so it can pull the attention in another direction. When my father was gone for those few weeks I enjoyed the catch up time we had at the dinner table' having someone listen who is genuinely interested in what I have to say. The air is different when there's another body in the room.

“Good... we started a new subject in history.”

My father isn't interested as usual giving a little snort past the paper in front of his plate. All he wants to hear is if my grades are improving- which they're not.

“Is it difficult?”

“A little, but I'll try to-”

“You'll fail it like everything else.”

Thank you for that knife in my gut. My mouth snaps shut with no comment. I can't talk back to him. My mom looks just as upset as me, if not more. We can no longer have those lighthearted conversations we had when he was gone. It will be a long time before that can happen again.

I stab uneasily at the mashed potatoes on my plate with no more than a single bite taken from them. I'm not longer looking at them as something eatable. There's another silence accompanied by the ticking of the wall clock, so I'll try my best to fill it and take the pressure off my mom.

“Is it alright if I stay after school tomorrow?”

It's a sore subject considering I did just that yesterday and it didn't end so well. I'm hoping they'll cut me some slack.

“For what?”

Crap. Lie.

The narrowing of his eyes isn't a good sign. Hesitant with my mouth running dry; I spit out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Mikasa wanted me to help her practice with passing.”

He snorts and takes a long swig of his drink without batting an eye. Did he buy it? I'm using Mikasa's name to my advantage knowing he's fond of her skills and accomplishments. I'm getting hopeful.

“No.”

“But... why?”

“She doesn't need you there.”

“But she wanted me to-”

“I said no, Eren!”

I flinch back in my seat and drop the fork onto the table with a clatter, burying my hands into my lap. I hate being yelled at. My mother doesn't dare speak and she's smart to do so. She isn't stubborn like me. All I want is to catch a break or make some kind of deal. This is my one chance to talk to Levi being just the two of us. It's not fair.

“I-I promise I'll come home on time.”

“Eren, listen to your father.”

Her voice is similar to a whisper while giving me the warning I don't want to take. Twenty minutes, that's all I want. I've never had any friends to be with after school, so I want this so bad.

“Please... it will only be this one time-”

“Shut up!”

I whimper like a puppy and hide my eyes with the lengthy hair of my bangs. He's glaring daggers at me I can feel it. Fire is burning under my skin yet chilling me at the same time.

“Are you fucking stupid? What part of 'no' don't you understand?”

But why not? I hate not having proper answers and instead being told 'because I said so'. I can't argue with him, and if I speak again I'll be hit for sure. I don't think my mental state could handle that right now. The sadness is brewing in my throat and threatening to bubble over in an ugly sob.

“Eat your dinner, Eren.”

My mother's voice is such a soft contrast to the ringing in my ears. I have little to no interest in my favourite food on the plate with the rock in my stomach. That spark of joy I felt earlier has been snuffed out by a single word. I told Levi I was free, so now what am I supposed to say? I want to be with him and enjoy a few moments of my life.

“C-can I go to my room?”

“No. You will sit here until you're done.”

All I ever hear from his mouth is 'no'. I'm not allowed to do anything without his permission, since my mother's word means nothing around here. All I want is to leave the table and get away from him. There's a burning sensation in my eyes morphing into tears that I refuse to let him see.

“It's alright, Eren, go do your homework.”

I glance up briefly to my mother's soft eyes. She's giving me a short opportunity to leave and I'm taking it before I'm denied that chance. I push out of my chair only to have my father yelling after me. His anger is directed at me until I reach the stairs and hear a sickening slap forcing the tears to fall before I reach my room. The booming voice is echoing through the house so badly I can't understand what's being said. She went against him, and she's not supposed to step out of line like that.

I'm balling like a baby once my bedroom door is closed with a chair pushed snugly under the handle. The pounding of my heart is throbbing against my chest and it hurts as bad as a sledge hammer. Why did I have to open my stupid mouth? I don't want to hurt. I don't want my mother to get hurt. I should have been there to take the pain instead of running away like a coward. I've hounded my mother to get a divorce, and all she told me was 'she'll think about it'. Any sane person would leave, but looking further, my dad is the only one with a job; supporting us because my mother is too sick to work. Where would we go without money? That thought upsets me the most knowing I need to stay here if I don't want to be homeless.

My phone becomes untangled in the sheets in my few moments of searching. All of Mikasa's words mean nothing. I won't get to spent time with anyone now that my father is around again. Why can't I be normal? I want a real family, not one that's shattered into pieces. I shouldn't have to cover my ears to block out the screaming downstairs. The best distraction I have is the old pine tree outside my window. It blocks most of the view, but there's the occasional bird or squirrel.

I don't move from my fetal position on the bed. I'm coated in blankets to hide my face from the world as if it's laughing at me. Why wouldn't it? Everyone else is; except for Levi. At least if he is, it's not at my face to make me feel like trash. Who am I kidding, he doesn't care about me. I'm nothing to him and it's all fake. Getting stood up wouldn't be unexpected in the slightest, not that it matters now that I'm not allowed to be around anyone. It's a sign that I'm meant to be alone.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Once my eyes got sore enough to swell shut, I was forced to try and sleep only ending in restless tossing and turning. My brain refused to shut off and decided to plague me with anxious thoughts about school and the endless potential of torment when I wake up. Everyday is unknown and that scares me. More importantly, I'm trying to make up a lie for when Mikasa asks about my so called 'date'. I'd sound like a baby if I said it was because my parents wouldn't let me. I'm 15, you'd think I would make my own decisions by now. At least, I would love that chance some day.

My father was gone at work when I left for school not to return until the afternoon, so the house was silent for the most part. I tried my best to be quiet getting ready as to not wake up my mother. She deserves all the down time she can get, and the meds tend to make her drowsy. I would love to stay home while my dad is gone. However, if he found out that's a different story entirely.

I was contemplating taking a different entrance into the school rather than the front door. My feet took me there and straight towards Levi's locker. I don't know why when I should be avoiding him. I really want to practice with him, but I can't. What can I tell him? Hell, he doesn't like me anyways, though that doesn't make it any less painful. He's buried in the bottom of his bag looking for something while I approach. I'm invisible as usual. I stand next to him for a solid two minutes before he looks up.

“Remember what I said about giving me a heart attack?”

“I'm sorry.”

Great. Two seconds into the conversation and I'm apologizing. Say something else.

“Don't worry about it. I'm not actually gonna die.”

“I... I can't practice with you.”

Not that. I'm stabbing our encounter in the gut. He's giving me a raised eyebrow as if he doesn't believe me. I'd been so excited and now look at me. He has no idea how badly my heart is crumbling or how much I want to cry simply because I can't be with him. I'll never be with him. Why am I trying so hard?

“Was it something I said?”

“N-no... something else came up.”

I'll let him think I have a life for this short moment. He's shouldn't be disappointed in this. He has other friends and hobbies. Anything would be better than being in an awkward silence with me.

“What about tomorrow?”

No. I can't. Not ever, unless my dad leaves for another fee weeks. I have no idea what to say to cover up my shitty situation. I don't hate you, Levi, it's the exact opposite. I want you to see that, but I don't want you to make fun of me for it. The attention I'm directing over here is getting to be too much as more kids pile into the school before the first bell.

“I don't know...”

“Well, help me out here. It was your idea.”

Don't get mad at me. I won't be able to handle more screams in my ears. He should forget about ever owing me anything. That would benefit us both. I'm silent, letting the chatter of the hallway fill the space between us. It's so hard for me to look at him. I don't deserve to be around him let alone make slight eye contact.

“I'll think of something else.”

My voice is drowned out, dancing in the air with no reply, but I don't wait for one. I bolt away so everyone can stop staring at us. How dare someone like me approach a guy as popular as Levi. I don't want rumors to spread to discover the truth. I'm terrified my little secret will leak into the wrong ears with something as simple as a talk between the two of us.

I locate my first class as fast as humanly possible and situate myself in the back; away from the main conversations. The only others in the class consist of a group of girls complaining about some gossip and boy trouble. They pay no attention to me allowing me to shrink away and focus on my crappy doodles. My hands are shaking. I can't decide if it's out of anger or the bubble of sadness building in my throat. I want to run home and hide in my bed desperately hoping my mom won't care. She told me it was okay to stay after school, but her word means nothing. Can I spare fifteen minutes with Levi? I really want to take that risk.

More and more kids pile into the classroom doubling the noise with each student. Some are making plans for the weekend and yelling about how drunk they're going to get. I've never been to a party, and my head would get smashed in if I ever went. I wonder if Levi goes. He's popular enough to get invited to everything and would hook up with all the girls there. I really don't want to think about that. I stare off, blanking out into space letting other thoughts come to me instead of boring instructions the teacher is giving. He's a nice man, but I don't care about anything he's saying.

There's textbook reading and several questions assigned for the period that I jotted down. I can't finish them. I can't concentrate for more than thirty seconds. All of this will become homework that I'll crumple and throw in the bottom of my bag. It will plague me with anxious thoughts that will get worse with each passing moment. I'm failing this class. I know I am. I'm beyond terrified to see my midterm after what happened last time. My academic standing is so deep in the ground that it's not worth salvaging without selling my soul as an offering.

Every minute of my class time is wasted until the bell rings. I carry my body similar to a thousand pound weight into the hall as the last person to leave. My head is down and neglect my locker to get to my next class. The less time around people the better I feel. I hate every last minute here. I'm really struggling to find something I enjoy; and failing miserably.

I stare at the clock constantly waiting for the time when I can be free to get outside. I've heard that nature is supposed to relax you, but all that beauty is pulled away the moment an obnoxious teen steps in the way. There are a few windows in the classrooms always covered by blinds or curtains to trap us into focusing on academics. I'm never going to use any of this so it's a complete waste of time and space in my brain. Why exactly is high school necessary again? They don't teach you any fundamentals and I'm not going to find my ideal job cooped up in a tiny room.

The last class before lunch is so painful in an emotional sense. Being English, it's always so quiet with how strict our teacher is. If you're not working, then you're not worth her time. I scribble in the side of my notes neglecting my essay once again to draw stick men and morbidly deformed dogs. When I look around the room everyone is working but me. Some are reading, but at least they have something to show for it besides a crumpled up piece of paper. I've never found any interest in books, so maybe that's the thing to blame for my stupidity.

I count down each remaining second with my things packed waiting to bolt out the door. It's the only class when I'm the first one to leave in a hurry and never look back. My bag is slung carelessly over my shoulder with the main pocket undone like a slob. I make it all of ten paces down the hall before all the sense is knocked out of my with a heavy force which pushes against my shoulder. The yelp that comes from my lips is unexpected and fills my ears while I stumble onto the floor, the side of my head colliding with a locker. My books scatter across the floor and laughter erupts through the hallway. White flashes dance in my vision that I do my best to blink away my tears. It hurts. I don't have a concussion, but it sure feels like it. There's no time for me to see the culprit, but it's always someone older and more popular even if that's not saying much.

My head is throbbing and there's a ringing in my ears that won't stop. Feet pass all around me giving no hesitation to continue on as if I'm not there. It's a scary thing when you can't see straight or remember your own name for a few seconds. The palm I press to my temple does nothing to help. My other hand pads cautiously around the floor attempting to locate my books. There's one right in front of my nose as if it's floating. I seriously think something got knocked loose. I stumble when I reach for it, but succeed non the less. That's one of the four I was carrying. Or was it five? Dammit, I can't remember.

“Are you alright?”

The voice is fuzzy, but I nod in response. I've heard my mother utter that same sentence several times a day, and my reply is always the same.

Another book is placed in front of my face and I accept each one eagerly making sure they're all there and in good condition. You need to pay extra if you ruin or lose a text book and I have a whopping three dollars to my name.

“T-thank you.”

I'm so relieved someone took five seconds to help in order to make my life a little easier. I do what I should have done in the first place and slide the books into my bag for save keeping. I'll have to remind myself to never carry them in my arms again. Something touches my hair and I jerk back with the feeling of spider legs on my scalp. Well, it turns out it was only a hand, but still creepy. Even more so when I can finally see who it is.

“Levi?”

He's crouching before my disheveled body with the world spinning around me. I'm still as he moves, his hand brushing back the same hairs that caused me to jerk away. Whatever he touches is sore and I slap him away to feel it. I'm not bleeding, thank god, but there's a decent size welt growing above my temple. I'm curious to see how bad it looks.

“You don't look alright.”

True, considering I'm biting back tears so I don't look like a whimp. I scramble to my feet a little too quickly getting me light headed in a matter of seconds. The locker is my only support with my shaky hand slipping on the cheap metal.

“N-no, really... I'm fine.”

Which way is the nearest door? Fresh air will be good for me right about now. It's so stuffy and hot in here and I'm sweating more than usual. There's too many eyes and now Levi is here to top it off. Momentarily I forget the layout of the school, but locate one of the exits pushing my unstable body through the doors. Cold air hits me like a truck and I collapse onto the crummy retaining wall. It's guarding dying flowers for some reason, so it's obvious no one cares about how the school looks around here. No one else is lingering around and that's a huge relief. My hand presses to my head to feel that ever growing lump swelling under my hair. It's going to look even more hideous tomorrow.

I would prefer spending my lunch in my corner of solitude in the cafeteria if it weren't for the crowds. Knowing my luck I'll get punched in the face to add to the growing pain in my head. Being alone in the crummy nature of the courtyard is good enough for me. I rarely come out here as it's a common study area for the abnormally smart kids. They must be busy today.

A faint noise reaches my ears by the time I look up to yet another something dancing in front of my nose. Soda? I might convince myself I'm hallucinating if Levi weren't standing there yet again. He's offering it, but I'm not thirsty if that's what he's assuming. I'm half expecting it to have been shook to add to my misery. My stare is blank and I shift away just a little to show my skepticism. I don't trust anyone, even if he did help me a few moment ago.

“I-I don't want it.”

“Take it. It's the closest thing I could find to an ice pack.”

Oh.

I would be lying if I said my face didn't flush when I reached for it. The can is ice under my fingers. The relief is brings to my burning head is nothing short of heavenly. Who knew grape soda could feel so good. I'll be using it as a pillow for the next few hours.

Levi's presence doesn't disappear like I thought it would. In fact, he gets closer; going as far as to take a seat beside me on the wall making me blush without any control. Red fills my cheeks and it's so painfully obvious I'm afraid he'll get weirded out. Why is he still here? I appreciate the gesture of giving me the faux ice pack, but that doesn't mean he has an obligation to accompany me. I do my best to shuffle away without making it obvious.

“I'm not gonna bite you.”

So much for my movement going unnoticed. I stop immediately and focus on the ice freezing my brain to a numbed state. I'd prefer if I couldn't think right now anyway. I shouldn't be so nervous around one person, but I am. We've never been alone and so close before. I have a sudden urge to ask the burning question on the tip of my tongue.

“Why are you here?”

I'm not saying it to be mean. I'm genuinely curious.

“I just watched your head get smashed into a locker.”

So he feels bad for me. I'm not a charity case even if I look the part. I've prefer if he didn't loom around me like a wounded animal to pity. Knowing he saw everything is embarrassing enough without having him watch me cope. If he weren't here I'd be having a healthy cry before the end of the lunch period.

“Besides, if I can't see you after school, then why not now.”

“You mean that?”

It's obvious he does by the look he gives me. This is no where near us kicking around a ball on a field, but it will have to do for now. It's giving me a warm fuzzy feeling in my chest that's so oddly happy.

“A-are you sure your friends won't be mad?”

“Mad about what?”

“You should be with them... not me.”

His eyebrow shifts a little on his face and he leans back to rest his weight on his palms. This is the first time I've been able to take in his entire being. His arms are thin, but toned with a curling dragon tail around his forearm. I've seen the tattoo before when he's strictly wearing his jersey and it suits him well. He's not so scary when he's lay back like this. Apparently most girls are afraid to talk to him because he has that 'I don't give a fuck' look plastered on his face.

“They don't get to decide what I do with my time. They're perfectly capable of eating lunch without me being there.”

The sigh I make doesn't go unnoticed as I thought it would.

“If you want me to leave, I can.”

“N-no! It's not that...”

  
“I mean, it's not soccer like you wanted but-”

“I don't want your girlfriend to hate you for this.”

His jaw shuts instantly and his brows furrow as my father's would when he's upset at me. Is it wrong of me to think about his relationship? I've heard most girls get jealous when their significant other goes off without them. It pains me to say it, but he's better off being with her than me.

“My what?”

“I don't know her name, but-”

“Since when do I have a girlfriend?”

I blink several times while he stares at me like I've gone insane. My mouth is dry and at a loss of words when it comes to a response. There's no possible way he's single. One look at him and you would assume he's a player with how all the girls around here drool over him.

“But... the red head... isn't she?”

The snort he makes is out of amusement from what I can tell. He digs his heels into the ground to stir up the dirt which catches my interest for no reason. Was I wrong? I've seen the same red haired girl clinging to him since I got here. It's impossible to see them separated.

“Is that what people have been telling you?”

“No... I just assumed...”

“I have no interest in her and she's trying to get into someone else's pants.”

My heart does a partial flutter in my chest knowing everything I thought was the truth was simply my own brain other thinking. He's actually single and that thought alone blows my mind. Now I'm more nervous than before. Calm down, Eren; that doesn't mean he's interested in you.

I'm silent, rolling the warming can along the welt on my head. It's not as chilling as it was a moment ago thanks to my hands and the afternoon sun beating down on the tin. I'm left to feel pretty stupid for jumping the gun and confronting Levi on his nonexistent relationship. I wonder if he has a crush on any of the girls here. Okay, enough of that, I want to know what he's like as a person.

“I know it's late, but I never caught your name.”

“Eren.”

A smile comes to my lips at the sound of me giving him something so simple. I push my bangs behind my ear with a blush forming on my cheeks. He repeats it quietly sending butterflies into my stomach. I need to stop acting like a love struck teenager before I embarrass myself. I'm a little bit of a fan boy.

“I'm sure you know mine from being at so many practices.”

So he's noticed me every time. No surprise when I park myself in the same spot on the same leveled bleacher like clockwork. There have only been three or four soccer practices so far and I haven't missed a single minute. The first time I went was out of boredom, but now I have my different reasons. I can't say as though I learned his name from soccer, but that does add to the reason his popularity is so high. I nod at his question and keep my mouth sealed preventing word vomit.

“You're pretty committed.”

“I'm still trying to make sense of all the rules.”

“Then it's a good thing you're not watching football.”

I smirk knowing exactly what he means. My dad used to watch it on the weekends when I was little. Even to this day I can't understand a lick of it. How is it possible to receive entertainment from guys who run around for five minutes then sit around for twenty? Then again, who am I to judge when I sit around doodling fictional creatures for fun.

“I'd really like to play some time... even if I suck at it.”

“No one is expecting you to be perfect on your first attempt. I'm still willing to teach you if you ever find the free time.”

That mixture of emotions is back in my chest. If only I had the freedom to do what I want without feeling the wrath of my father with every wrong decision. It makes me happy that Levi is willing to try after I showed that tiny amount of enthusiasm towards soccer. I smile and do my best not to look disappointed knowing his proposal will never happen.

“Thank you... I'll keep that in mind.”

The small talk is distracting me from the throbbing in my skull. The pop has helped quite a bit besides the twinge of brain freeze. The lunch period doesn't last forever, but I really wish it was longer then 45 minutes. I haven't eaten yet, though I'm okay with that if it means having a bit more time with Levi. It could be a very long time before something like this happens again.

There's a loud noise to my left snapping me back to my senses nearly dropping the can into my lap. My heart skips a few beats from being startled, but calms down rather quickly when I see it's only Mikasa. She's out of breath with her dark hair windblown across her face. I've never seen her look so disheveled before with her makeup out of place and even a little smudged under her eyes. Now I'm getting worried.

“Eren, why aren't you answering your phone?”

I blink a few times and pad down the pockets of my pants and sweater. I never went to my locker after class, so it's still sitting in the bottom racking up several missed calls.

“I don't have it on me.”

She rushes over to take my hand, pulling me up from the retaining wall with no other words passing between us. She can't pull me away when I'm finally feeling happy around someone.

“Mikasa, what are you-”

“We have to go.”

“Why?”

I don't like how she's so winded with her eyes darting around under the influence of drugs. She may even be more pale than I first noticed. I try to tug my hand away from hers with Levi leaning over curiously wondering what the big deal is. Three words get me to stop fighting. Three simple words get my body shaking and tears swelling up in my eyes in front of everyone.

“It's your mom...”

 


	5. Chapter 5

I didn't know what to think when Mikasa told me where we were going. I'm no stranger to the hospital, but that doesn't make going there any less difficult. I couldn't collect myself the entire ride and could feel my breathing getting more and more erratic. Levi was kind enough to drive both Mikasa and I to the hospital considering our emotional states and Mikasa held my hand as tightly as she could until we pulled into the parking lot. I bolted inside the moment I was out of the car and Mikasa staying behind for a few moments to thank Levi for the ride.

My father was there to meet us in the waiting room where I officially let my tears fall with no control. My mother was in being stabilized after a stroke from her brain tumor, or at least I think that's what my dad said. He was more focused on telling Mikasa everything other than me, though I doubt I would have listened to it anyways. All I wanted was to see my mom and make sure she was okay. I should have stayed home with her. I know her condition is far from good and I should have been there. Mentally, I'm beating myself up before anyone else can do it for me.

There are a couple others in the waiting room, but I fail to hide my tears and sobs into Mikasa's shoulder. She's there like a mother would be because it's her nature. She does her best to keep me optimistic until it's all over and we can be given some sort of news. Silence drags on and the ticking of the clock behind the reception desk is driving me nuts. The soft ticking is more comparable to a sledgehammer in the side of my brain. I'm exhausted, but my body refuses to let me sleep until I know everything will be okay.

My father returned and spoke with the nurses and doctors to pull any information he could get as the minutes dragged on. Most of the time he returned with nothing and I continued to worry and feel guilty having Mikasa here to comfort me when I should be acting brave like an adult. I'm sorry if I'm a wimpy little kid who cares too much.

Roughly five whole hours had passed before I could finally breathe with some news. I overheard a small piece from my fetal position on the chair. My mother is in recovery and we'll be able to see her when she wakes up.

A huge weight was lifted off my chest and air came naturally instead of clogging in my lungs. I kept myself curled up while everything was being explain in a technical sense. My dad can understand all of it because he's a doctor, but here I am completely clueless hoping whatever their discussing is something good. But then again, whenever you're in a hospital, it's never good.

I cried myself into a restless sleep hoping I would feel better when I woke up. The chair's metal supports were digging into my back making it even more uncomfortable. It's too small and not built to support a sleeping teenager by any means. I woke up with a small push of my arm with Mikasa telling me she had to go. It was dark outside as I watched her leave now being alone with my father. He thinks this whole situation is my fault and it is. I should have stayed home with her.

I anxiously stared at the clock the whole time until a nurse allowed us past the main doors for the long awaited visit. Seeing my mother's face again was a breath of fresh air. She looked exhausted, but her eyes were open and there was a smile on her face, so that was enough for me. She had a tube in her arm that looked awfully uncomfortable, yet she hugged me close the moment I got to her bed. I never want to leave her side. I'm afraid this could happen all over again with a different result.

No words are spoken as I cry into her shoulder, keeping my fingers curled tightly around the lose white hospital gown that also smells of bleach and fabric softener. She shushes me softly and kisses the side of my temple until I'm reduced to nothing more than small whines and sniffles.

I don't like being here. Hospitals smell of disinfectant and bleach and the bright walls hurt my eyes. No one is ever happy if they're here so you're surrounded by a bunch of antsy or pissed off people. I miss being home already. I don't like how my father is completely silent with a narrow face not paying us any attention or even relieved that she's okay. She can't rush out of the hospital after something so serious, but I want to be selfish just this once.

“When can you come home?”

“I... wanted to talk to you about that.”

I sit back on my feet pulling away from the death grip I had around her shoulders. The mattress is horribly uncomfortable and the blankets aren't much better. They're been washed so many times that the fabric has gone stiff and all padding shrunken into nothing but clumpy tissues.

“You can't come home today?”

She shakes her head and raises a finger before I can ask another question. She knows I would keep going down a list of each day the week until I get my answer.

“I won't be home for awhile. Once I'm released, I'm going to spend a couple weeks with your aunt.”

My heart nearly drops to the pit of my stomach and it's not a pleasant feeling. That urge to cry returns harder than ever, but I manage to bite my lip and form the smallest silent sentence in the world.

“Why?”

She notices immediately and maybe that's a mom thing, but she's always been good at knowing how I'm feeling without carving into my brain. She plays with my hair as she does most of the time and I'm glad I can give her some comfort even if I'm about to break.

“It's better for me to be in a place where someone is there all the time. It was a fluke that your father came home when he did, and I don't want to risk that again.”

I didn't know that. The reality hits me rather hard knowing that I could have lost her today and that alone makes my gut turn into a knot. How am I supposed to let her leave for two whole weeks? I don't know if I can do that.

“I'll come with you.”

I want to be with her. Not only that, but I have other intentions that involve not being alone with the object of my fear. I'm trying not to give it away, but it's slipping with the small glaces I give over my shoulder. She sighs quietly, knowing why I'm so desperate to cling to her like a baby. The only reason I come home is to see her and have her ask about my day as the only person who cares.

“You need to stay here, Eren, or there won't be anyone to get you to school.”

Fuck school. I don't care about any classes if it means I have to be stuck alone with my father, but what other excuses can I use? Please don't leave me alone with him. Of course I'll be happy she's away from the hell of a life, but the unknown is up in the air handing over my head as a black cloud. She taps my cheek down to my chin where I look up trying to block out the tears.

“I want you to keep working hard at school and don't worry about me, okay?”

I wish it were that easy. What if she has another stroke? It could be the one that takes her away from me and I'll never get to say goodbye. Dammit, Eren, stop thinking about the worst possible scenario. The only thing I can do it wipe at my eyes and give a nod so I don't have to make her worry. She never likes seeing me upset, so I'll ignore the pain in my chest and let her have her time away from home. She needs it and deserves it more than anyone.

“Your aunt's number should be on the fridge at home, so you can call me anytime.”

At least that's something to make me smile. We're not separated forever and I can still talk to her whenever I'm having a rough time. It's better than nothing and it will help me push through these next few weeks.

I sit in silence on the bed listening to the nurses who come in and out of the room every few minutes. So far there haven't been any complications with the stroke, but more medication is added only serving to worsen the grim look on my father's face. The hospital bill alone will be a large amount of money; one I could only dream of owning. I have nothing to contribute, so I watch closely until I'm forced to leave by my father's orders. I don't argue and slip off the bed with a final hug from my mother and a light kiss on my forehead. It makes me feel happy for all of twenty seconds.

The drive home is as uncomfortable as you would expect. There was no small talk and no background music from the radio to ease the awkward silence. I kept hearing frustrated sighs from my position in the back seat and kept my eyes out the window to avoid glaces through the rear view mirror. Not having my mother in the car feels so empty. She's always in the front seat whenever we go to the store or drive to her appointments, but now it's an empty cushion with a gross leather smell; not nearly as comforting.

It's rather late when we pull into the driveway. Several hours had been spent in that crummy waiting room that I'd lost track of time. My dad is grumbling about how he has to get up early for his next shift and complaining how much time was wasted at the hospital. I have nothing to say as I quietly follow behind him and head straight for my room once inside. My door closes silently and I drop my school bag next to my bed before crawling into the messy sheets. I don't see the point in making my bed.

It feels odd being the first night without my mom downstairs washing dishes or the smell of dinner still lingering in the air. It's quiet and even a little lonely knowing she's so far away. My room is dark save for the small red numbers of my clock ticking buy painfully slow. The only thing comforting me is knowing I can call my mom whenever I want. Speaking of which, I'll need to put my aunt's number into my phone.

It's a small stretch to my bag using my arm to dig to the very bottom. Normally I carry it on me, but I'd been in such a rush to get out of the school when Mikasa told me what happened. I think all my note books are creased too, but I'll flatten them out later. I have a couple new messages both from Mikasa shortly after she left the hospital no doubt wondering how everything went. I have to squint my eyes against the dim light of the screen to read the fine print.

_I hope you're okay._

That's a typical text when it comes to Mikasa. She'll even text me the same thing every time I walk home from school. She's a little too worried that I'm going to get mugged or something. The text that follows a few hours later is one I'm not expecting.

_Levi wanted me to give you his number in case you needed anything._

Written bellow is a simple nine digit number that gives me a small adrenaline rush along with a little shock of the brain. I really don't know if I'm reading it right, so I double check each stroke of the key pad as it's typed into my phone. It feels wrong for me to have Levi's number, but I'm not going to complain about it. I return back to the message to give Mikasa the reply she's been desperately waiting for.

_Everything is okay. My mom is going to live with her sister for a little bit, so she'll be fine._

I spread out with my back across the bed and prop my head up against the pillows to stare down at my phone. I might not get a reply from Mikasa tonight since she normally sleeps pretty early. I can't blame her with the amount of work she does in any given day. It's upsetting to know I won't have anyone to talk to for the rest of the night. My only other option for contacts is the new number teasing me at the bottom of the list.

My heart flutters a little knowing Levi was concerned enough to offer any kind of help. I open a new message and stare blankly at the text box with my fingers hovering over the keys. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to send him something stupid and wake him up for no reason. I should wait until morning, but I'm being selfish again. Starting with 'Hi' is too basic and too awkward as a starter. Why does this have to be so hard?

Well, if I can't think of something witty or friendly, the least I could do is thank him for the ride. I was too frantic and on the brink of a panic attack earlier today so I never properly showed my gratitude for driving both Mikasa and I to the hospital. It would have been hell to continue through the school day having no idea if my mom was alright. With that being said, my first message to Levi is pretty boring, but it's highly needed.

_Hey, It's Eren. I'm sorry I never thanked you for the ride today._

The moment it's sent I start to get nervous; rereading each word to make sure it sounds okay. I don't think there's any spelling mistakes and nothing he could take out of context to make it weird. Maybe I should have added another sentence so it isn't so plain, or maybe one of those stupid faces everyone seems to send. All I can do is sigh a little frustrated at myself for other thinking something as dumb as a text.

I would be lying if I said I didn't stare at my phone for a good ten minutes. The moment I hear that generic pre-programmed noise it sends my heart into a dramatic spiral. My fingers tightened around the tiny box and I read each word carefully.

_Don't worry about it. Is everything okay?_

He sounds just like Mikasa and I find that funny. They're both so worried for people who don't concern them. When it boils down to the emotional part of it, no everything is very far from okay, but for an outsider I should be happy to be alive. I give him a similar response as I did with Mikasa trying to sound as if my situation is perfectly okay.

_Yeah. Everything worked out alright._

Not at all, but I'll let him think that. He doesn't need to know I'm scared about what will happen over the next few weeks, all I want is to thank him for the ride without sounding too uncomfortable. It's still hard to believe I have his number in the first place. He gave it to me out of concern, so I shouldn't use it like some petty hot line where I can try to grab a date.

_Glad to hear that. If you ever need anything let me know._

My fingers hover over the keys once again; ghosting along each letter typing some invisible sentence. I don't want our chat to end. I want someone to be up with me so my night is less lonely than every other time. He said he wanted to help, but I doubt he would sacrifice his own sleeping habits to help a stranger be less bored. I have to think long and hard about what I'm going to write, but it comes out sounding stupid anyways.

_Can we have lunch again?_

Why? Why on earth did I think that would be a good thing to say? He's here for support, not to cater to my school girl crush. That lunch date today was to even everything out when it came to me watching his things during practice; as well as a pity date for watching my head get shoved into a locker. It's highly unlikely I'll ever be that lucky again, but it was worth a try. I stare hard in silence at my phone waiting for that little number to pop up as a reply. If he's rejects it, can I really laugh it off and pretend I'm okay?

_You really want to?_

That's not the 'No' I was anticipating. That's a good thing, right?

_If you don't want to that's okay_

Honestly, this would be the only thing to look forward to tomorrow. School isn't fun and now home won't be the same for awhile, so having something small in my future would help me get through the day. Levi doesn't need to know that, but it would be nice if he played along to humor me. He has his image and reputation at stake when it comes to hangout with someone like me, so the answer is unclear. His friends might make fun of him for being with the weird kid.

_Name a time and place_

Really? If that isn't the fault of auto correct then I'm actually reading the words right. My throat is dry despite not having to talk at all, and my hands are starting to tremble again over each key. My eyes must have been entranced on the screen for a solid ten minutes before another reply comes my way. He must have thought I didn't receive anything. Technology sucks sometimes.

_I can meet you at your locker after third period._

I'm smiling now; A genuine grin from ear to ear. This whole thing could be out of pity because of what happened, but even so I'll take that chance to be with Levi again. I curl up in the blankets and rest my phone against the pillow, propped up so I can read every letter. Now I'm back to wondering what I should wear or if I'll end up overdoing it. My mom would tell me to be myself, but that's boring, and the me I am right now isn't good enough.

_Okay. Sorry for waking you up._

_It's not like I was sleeping anyways._

It's nearly midnight, and any sane person would have gone to bed hours ago when preparing for an early morning. It would be nice to have someone understand what it's like to never have your brain shut off, but Levi doesn't strike me as the kind of person who has that issue. What does he have to keep him up at night? Everything about his life is perfect and I could only dream of being as popular as him.

_Not tired?_

_Something like that._

It's going to be even more difficult to sleep knowing the anxiety is going to kill me about tomorrow. Trying to plan out what I'm going to say in advance doesn't work when you're having conversations with yourself. Talking through a screen is always easier than being right next to someone's face. I really hope I can control my blushing this time.

_I've heard tea can help you get to sleep._

_I know. Don't worry about it, kid, just go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow._

I don't reply by accident now that I'm busy getting butterflies in my stomach over a measly little date. Well, can I really call it a date? As far as I know, Levi has no interest in me outside of feeling sorry about my situation. He's the first one to actually pretend I exist and not shove me against a wall to get a few cheap laughs.

I resist the urge to tell Mikasa, mainly because I want to keep this to myself until something good comes out of it. She still believes I had a date beforehand so best not screw that up too badly. My heart is pounding against my ribs so hard that it's impossible to go to sleep. I'm not in a dream yet I'm in a fantasy land where everything is becoming real.

I like Levi more than I should. Ever since my first day of high school I thought he looked really cool and would stop breathing whenever he so much as walked past me. It was a crush that confused me more than anything after seeing so many other boys hooking up with girls at parties or going on dates to the movies. I couldn't see myself being together with any of those skinny blonds, and nothing was appealing about seeing a girl's cleavage through a low cut shirt. Honestly, I thought I was broken. It was the internet who allowed me to figure out who I was and the importance of keeping it a secret.

Despite knowing the truth, why is no one else like me? Why am I the only one hiding this and why can't I be different? I don't know how to change it and it might be impossible. Hopefully my day with Levi will be taken as more of a friendship kind of date; being I don't slip up and spill the beans.

I can never let that happen.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

The house was dead silent in the morning with my father already being away at work. I got up and walked to school like a zombie as I always do, but this time with a void in my chest with the lack of my mother. I'm trying to fill it with thoughts about lunch period, but the only good that's doing is upping my anxiety to the extreme. Mind you, I'm still excited and nervous as hell that I'll do or say something wrong in front of the coolest kid in school.

I nearly fell asleep during my first two classes and no one paid me any attention. The teachers were mad, but will end up blaming me when I fail the next test, for good reason. By third period I'd had enough power naps to keep my eyelids open and copy a few notes. Each word held no meaning or tense and I copied them like a robot not taking in what the sentences actually meant. All explanations never reached my brain and I ended up doodling on my page again. Stick figures became the center of attention morphing into twisted flowers and incomprehensible designs.

Everything was tucked relatively neat into my bag considering my mindset and I was ready to hide in the cafeteria and sleep for another hour until realizing Levi was leaning against a locker beside the door. I took my time leaving the room instead of any normal person who would bolt out at the chance talk to the guy, and that's exactly what happened. I waited uncomfortably on the other side of the hall trying to ignore the group of girls crowding around him. Each one was laughing and twirling their hair, one going as far as to tug down the neckline of her shirt. I don't have anything they do. I can't attract Levi with my long hair or rounded chest, so I'm nothing to him.

It takes forever for each one to wave and finally end the conversation. I'm jealous. I hate to admit it, but I get flustered and green with envy whenever someone else talks to Levi. It's nothing I can control and I need to accept that. His greeting is simple, yet kind meanwhile I respond with a stutter and an awkward shift of my body. Why did he agree to this again?

He waves me to follow him without opening his mouth. It would be impossible to hear him over the chatter and yelling in the halls, so he opted for the easier method of communication. I trail behind and stay a safe distance behind him so it doesn't look as though we're acquainted. I'm doing him a favor. We sneak out one of the side exits near the cafeteria onto the narrow driveway that wraps around the school. It's usually where the rebels go to smoke outside the designated area, but it's empty today.

“Um... are we eating outside?”

The weather isn't bad, but won't someone see us?

“I have something else in mind, so eat quickly if you need to.”

I didn't wake up early enough to make anything, and didn't bother taking any money. I've survived on an empty stomach before, so suffering for another day won't be so hard. I try to look on the positive side of saving money. I shake my head and he seems rather pleased with what I give. I follow him onto the nearest field and he lets his bag slide off his shoulder landing rather softly in the grass.

I do the same, but hold my bag in front of my chest as I do with my books substituting for a pathetic method of protection. I watch the subtle shift of his muscles through the fabric of the long sleeves covering his arms. I bet he looks really nice without his shirt. Fuck, Eren, don't think about that. Instead, I focus on the ball he pulls out of the front pocket and tosses up to me, forcing my bag onto the floor when I catch it.

“What's this for?”

“Don't give me that. You're the one who said you wanted to learn.”

My arms curl around the ball in a tight hug which may look a little strange to anyone passing by, but my heart is swelling in my chest adding to the premature crush. He's serious about this. He's really going to teach me; even if it was something my brain spewed out of panic.

Our backpacks are neglected by the powdered white line and I jog after Levi with the ball still in my arms. I'm temporarily forgetting that soccer doesn't involve hands at all when it comes to playing, so I immediately toss it to my feet and attempt to kick it. My coordination is terrible and Levi will soon learn that first hand. I'm never going to be good at soccer, my only reason to get involved is to be with my secret crush, and hopefully it stays that way.

The whole field is empty save for us. There's the occasional single person or group walking by along the sidelines, but I don't pay any attention to them now that my weird little dream has become a reality. I never expected someone like him to look in my direction let alone speak with me and even sacrifice their own spare time. I can't help but blush when he smirks at my pathetic attempt to kick the ball.

We start with the basics; passing and a small amount of foot control. I soon learn what that means after seeing Levi tap and go with ease while I fumble to stop the damn ball. He would toss in a few tips now and then to get me kicking straight so he didn't have to run halfway across the field. The fear of making a fool out of myself doesn't seem to bother me so much with seeing Levi's reactions. He doesn't call me out for being awful or a complete beginner; he simply does his best to put me on the right path to improve. I even get the chance to see him laugh at my lack of skill.

It's not much, but I can see myself improving slightly with each kick and each small tip Levi gives in my direction. I'm not the best by any means although I can now direct the ball where I want it to go. Kicking is the whole point of soccer, so if I suck at that then there's no way Levi will take me seriously about learning, but it gets boring really fast.

“I want something more challenging.”

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. Sure passing is fun and all, but I want to see how good Levi really is. I'm not doubting his skills at all, I just want to see how he makes it look so easy. My final pass is stopped with the tip of his foot and he raises a brow with a fist connecting with his hip.

“And what do you suggest?”

“Keep away.”

“Seriously?”

Of course I'm serious. He rolls his eyes at my smile, but the outcome isn't what was implied. I haven't moved an inch and he's beginning to dance circles around me taunting me like a child with each tap of his foot. The way he urges me to take the bait only to fall forward is enough to get me laughing after enough attempts. He's three steps ahead of me when it comes to knowing my moves like he's a damn mind reader. There's no way I can beat that, but I'm not planning to.

My eyes follow the ball, but yet again my feet are too slow and clumsy to connect with it. When I reach for it it's pulled away and I'm left to stumble and chase with futile attempts. I'm not active and therefor not a fast runner either. It's not hard for me to run out of breath after a few quick strides.

“You're making this too easy, Jaeger.”

I'll admit it's a little frustrating being toyed with like a fish with a worm, but all that disappointment leaves my body with each step. I'm starting to work up a little bit of a sweat and I can barely keep up now that I'm laughing at how uncoordinated I am.

I do manage to kick the ball away from his feet, but he beats me to the punch and sprints off down the field retrieving it easier than a dog. His footwork is flawless; rolling the ball to the side skimming it with the bottom of his shoe and even going so far as to slip it between my legs and bolt the other direction.

“This isn't fair. Now you can only use one foot.”

“You wanted a challenge.”

Fine, then I'll make it a challenge for him too. I stick my tongue out like a child and head straight for his feet trying to tangle them in a mess of legs hoping it will benefit me in the long run. I have no game plan other than getting him to slip up and lose the ball. He's using his shoulder to keep me out of reach so I'll break the rules just this once. Instead of focusing on the ball, I add my own touch and lean into him effectively tugging his shirt enough to throw him off balance.

He doesn't get mad, in fact it's the opposite and manages to huff out a laugh while I kick desperately at the ball. I get what I asked for and he returns the favour mid fall; grabbing the bottom of my shirt getting me to trip while he pulls me down until we're a tangled mess. I flush a dark red not realizing I'm on top of his chest with my pants now dusted in dirt. My goal remains the same and I tackle the run-away ball tucking it close to my stomach to claim my victory.

“You're a cheeky little brat.”

“What do I get for winning?”

I sit up with the ball curled in my lap like a teddy bear as I wiggle my hips in the dirt. I think there might even be a smudge or two on my face from flailing around like a fish. Levi takes his sweet time getting up and brushing off his clothes before turning to me with that unimpressed look on his face. I keep my smirk and it grows with each step he takes towards me. He slaps my head playfully messing up my hair and effectively pulling the ball away from my arms when I decide it needs fixing.

“I'll give you a reward if you don't cheat.”

“You didn't give me any rules.”

I'm being what he defined as a 'cheeky brat'. I know full well grabbing at another player isn't allowed in soccer, but I pull out whatever options I have to in order to win.

“Next time I'll have to tie your hands.”

I squeak out a laugh and he helps me up offering a hand and tugging until I'm on my feet after a stumble. The ball is pushed against my chest, quickly grabbing it before it falls with a look of curiosity on my face. We've wasted a good chunk of the lunch period running around and I haven't so much as thought about food since we started. I'm feeling it in my gut now, but I don't want to stop.

“Keep that.”

“You don't need it?”

“It's an extra. Keep it on you in case you want another challenge.”

“Okay... thank you.”

He collects his things swinging his bag back over his shoulder with ease. I don't like the feeling in my gut knowing he's ending our little session. I'm too nervous to as him if we can keep playing, so maybe he really is mad at me for knocking him over and cheating. I watch him push the dark hair out of his eyes and fix the silver chain around his neck. I really like how it looks on him, but it's not like I would ever say that.

“I-is that it?”

That look. He wasn't expecting me to say anything and I turn my eyes away before he can see how desperate I am. I was looking forward to this all day and it's ending too quickly. I'm that clingy brat no one can get rid of and it's now rubbing off on Levi.

“Sorry, Jaeger. I promised Farlan I'd look over his lab shit.”

I've heard that name before from the red head who's normally around Levi. He must be the taller boy with blond hair in that small group. I've only seen him a handful of times when they pass in the hall. Is it pathetic I'm also jealous of him because of this?

“C'mon, I'll walk you to your locker.”

He turns before my brain can formulate a response so I'm left to chase after him to stay at his heels. My neglected bag is still in the same spot from where I left. Our amount of time together was too short; way shorter than I wanted. I don't want to look upset about it, but I can't wipe the pout of my face in time. I want to be with him again; have another chance to know him on a personal level, but maybe that's asking too much. I'll take anything, even if it's something small.

“Levi...”

My throat goes dry when he looks at me. His eyes scanning my every feature like a hawk and it's burning my skin. How can I ask so much of him when I'm a complete nobody? The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can't say them. I refuse to say them because of what will happen.

I like you, Levi.

I like you more than a boy should like another boy. Being around you makes me happy and it's been a long time since I last heard myself laugh. Can we spend more time together? Is it something that you see as a burden or do you enjoy being around the only loser in school? I tap the surface of the ball with my fingers looking down quickly to avoid those stormy eyes. They aren't comparable to anything I've seen before. They're dark and calm yet hold so much that I can't put it into words. I don't know him and I probably never will.

“Can we... I- I want to do this again.”

The silence that drags on between us is suddenly turning uncomfortable with the different thoughts dancing around in my head.

“Tomorrow? I-is that okay?”

I'm suborn and persistent; my only two qualities that aren't what anyone would call attractive. If he shoots me down, nothing is stopping me from asking again the next day, then again and again until he gets tired of hearing my voice. I can't call him a friend, so what exactly do a label this relationship?

We reach the side doors before he can give me an answer and suddenly I'm surrounded by people that I don't want poking in on this conversation. Eyes will be on me regardless when I'm walking with the most well known boy in the school. I'm nothing but a sad little puppy chasing after his heels in the hopes I'll get a few pets for behaving.

“I have plans for tomorrow. And I won't be able to teach you until after the game.”

“The game?”

“We have our first game of the season here tomorrow after school.”

He adjusts his bag over his shoulder when I glance up from the ball. I didn't realize they started so early, but that would explain why there's been a practice nearly every day. I've never seen any school teams play thanks to my strict curfew since public school, nor have I been a part of any games. I'm jealous of the kids who can try out, even if they don't make it. At least they have the chance.

“I... I didn't know that.”

“A fan boy like you didn't know we play tomorrow? I call bullshit.”

That side glance he gives with a smirk forces a blush onto my cheeks. He really has no idea the whole reason I watched all those practices in the first place. I'm not exactly a fan boy for soccer when he's taken out of the equation. The best I can do is lie about being too busy to keep up with the schedule.

“I guess... I must have forgotten...”

“You're going, right?”

I follow him up the stairs onto the second floor, which is nothing but a straight hallway and my locker being smack tab in the middle. He seems to remember where it is after the little incident yesterday. It's shocking my head didn't leave a dent in the cheap metal. He leans next to it with his shoulder waiting for a reply that I never bothered to fabricate during the trip up the stairs.

“I don't know.”

My fingers fumble with my lock as I try to keep the ball under one of my arms. I'm back to being stuck between that shitty rock and hard place with my mind being torn in two different directions.

“Why not? You can be our cheerleader or some shit.”

Again, another blush. I know he meant nothing by it, but could you imagine me in a small top and frilly skirt? I sure can't. The thought leaves my head the moment I curse open my locker. Everything is stashed messily in its usual place, and my mom would have my head if she could see how unorganized it is. That's enough to distract me from inventing an excuse for my shitty life.

“If it's about getting a ride then I can drive you home.”

Wait, why do I need a story? I blink at him a couple times in awe at why he's trying so hard. It shouldn't matter to him if I show up or not, and now he's offering to wait on me like it's some kind of date. He doesn't bat an eye at my raised brow and waits silently for me to spit something out of my mouth.

“You... you would really do that?”

I don't need a ride when I can walk home in twenty minutes, but it's the thought that counts, right? I'd be an idiot to turn down his offer when this is something I've been wanting for a long time.

“If it helps.”

That stupid smirk of his is contagious. I pull out my books and hug them close to my chest as I normally would, but this time for an entirely different reason.

Come on, Eren, don't blow it. What kind of idiot would turn down the chance to see his crush play and then be driven home by him? My palms are starting to sweat and I'm starting to get excited again at something so little. Most girls in the school would kill for a chance like this, except be way smoother than I am when it comes to responding.

“Okay. I'll go.”

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

It's frustrating how waiting for something makes it take ten times longer to happen. My brain was in a trance from the moment I woke up and I went through the motions of the day not caring about anything. I went to each class and remained a mannequin in the corner with a pencil doing nothing of any relevance. Homework was assigned, but even now I forget what it was.

Lunch came and went slowly and painfully. I spent the time alone doodling in my notes, and I am now realizing I have no clue how to draw a soccer ball. Who the hell made them so complicated? It's a stupid thing so ask, but there's nothing wrong with a plain ball with no complicated design. Regardless, doodling was enough to get me through the lunch period and my final class.

The last bell meant freedom for a number of different reasons. It meant fresh air for one thing, and I definitely wasn't alone in that thought. I was joined by several other students, being mostly girls, who also had the intentions of sticking around to watch the soccer game. They all waiting eagerly by the parking lot to spot the incoming team while I took a seat next to the school to be a safe distance away from the field. I don't fit in with anyone so it's the best I can do.

I chose to fiddle with my phone despite not having any incoming texts or calls. I did tell Mikasa I would be watching the game to which she replied with several exclamation marks. I'm glad I could make her happy simply by sitting past the sidelines.

The rival team showed up in the usual tacky yellow bus with their burgundy jerseys labeled with bright white letters and the emblem of a horse. _The Scouts_. It's not exactly an intimidating animal, but then again some schools are unfortunate enough to have a bumble bee. At least horses are fast.

Our green jerseys appear on the field shortly after and I spot Levi first out of the crowd. He's being surrounded by both male and female players and Mikasa being one of them. I'm jealous of Mikasa for a number of reasons and now I have this to add to the list. We lock eyes for a brief moment and it's enough for her to jog over and tug me closer to the field. I was perfectly content sitting over by the school, however it seems that's not good enough.

My new seat is situated next to the team bench just out of earshot of whatever game plans they have. Levi acknowledges me with a nod and I blush. Hopefully he didn't notice. I curl my knees up to my chest and hug them; remaining in that position for most of the match.

My eyes don't leave the game. There isn't a moment of rest between plays and the ball is constantly moving from team to team. Mikasa sits with me when she's on her breaks, so it's nice to not be alone for the most part. She's surprised I came out in the first place obviously not knowing it was Levi's idea. I'm a little shocked I showed up as well knowing I'm breaking the rules and staying out past my permitted time. I think it's worth it.

The footwork in this sport is enticing in it's own way. All the players are talented enough to get shots on goal and keep the game moving. With Levi being the main forward, I get a little antsy whenever he has the chance to score. My heart swells in my chest watching him slip past each defender and cooperating with Connie to earn an assist in the first goal.

The whole area erupts into cheering and I find myself clapping without realizing my hands are moving in the first place. I watch both of them jog off the field for a break and I'm hopeful that Levi will sit with me, but that dream dies when he's surrounded by his female teammates overly congratulating him on the first goal of the season.

Halftime is the same story so nothing deserves to be said. I use my phone as a distraction and I need to remind myself to call my mom soon to see how everything is going. At least I know she's safe and isn't dealing with any of the bullshit at home. If she's happy then its enough for me. Another set of cheering is enough to let me know we've scored again. I'm proud to see it's Mikasa this time earning a pat on the back and high fives from her colleagues.

It's sad to admit that despite how much I'm enjoying the game, I'm excited for it to end. I didn't forget about the little detail of Levi driving me home and being able to talk to him again. I might have some explaining to do later to Mikasa if she ends up seeing any of it. She's likely to make death threats to the poor guy if he ends up hurting me in any way. It's kinda funny how concerned she can get over the smallest things.

It's no surprise that we end up claiming victory for the first game. Our school team is pretty strong and they have nowhere to go but up from here. There's the typical hand shaking line and everyone starts to clear off; heading to their cliques or family members waiting for them on the sidelines. I have no idea where to go, so I stay seated picking at a few blades of grass for no apparent reason. I really hope my pants are stained with it.

I'm startled when my bag shifts from beside me and ends up in my lap. Grey eyes are the first things I see and next comes the hidden blush and a quick fix of my bangs in case they were out of place. It takes me a minute to get up never noticing Levi had finished getting ready while I was off in space. His fingers are working to put in his piercings since the rules state no jewelry is allowed while playing. How unfortunate would it be to get part of your ear ripped off while running? I shutter at the thought. It must have been obvious enough since Levi pulls off his jacket and offers it to me. It's straight black and one of those expensive sport coats that I could never afford. I can't accept it.

The field is clearing out and most of the other team has already boarded their bus leaving a few strays scattered around the parking lot. I'm glad because now my blushing is out of control. Levi looks really good in the uniform accompanied with his toned legs and black flip flops. His hair is a little sweaty and pushed back out of his eyes when he finishes with his last helix piercing. It's not only his looks. I would be a shallow person if I only liked him because of that. Maybe it's because he has pity for me, but he's been so kind and makes my heart hurt enough to scream.

“Ready to go?”

No. My feet are rooted to the ground and my legs are nothing more than planks of wood. Why am I considering this? I would be stupid if I told him. These feelings are supposed to remain a secret, so I'm an idiot for wanting to spew them out right here and now. Stop thinking about it. Don't risk it.

“L-Levi...”

Don't do it.

“C-can I talk to you?”

He tilts his head and fixes that untarnished chain around his neck. I've never complimented him, but I'm feeling the urge to right about now. He'll laugh at me, I know he will.

“Sure. About what?”

He's so clueless.

“I just... I wanted to ask... what you think of me.”

His look of confusion doubles with the raise of a brow. I doubt I phrased that too well, but words are coming out in vomit form and they may or may not make any sense.

“What I think of you? Why does that matter?”

Can I really do this? I'm going to ruin everything all because I can't get my emotions under control. I like being around Levi, I really do, but it's killing me, but if he tells anyone I'll be a laughing stock. I'll get shoved around for being the only gay boy in the school.

“I-I know you don't think of me as a friend, so I want to know... what exactly am I to you?”

Why did I decide to bring this up? This was a terrible idea but it's too late to back down now, plus my curiosity is getting the better of my brain. Even if I do tell Levi the truth how can I trust him? I'm putting all my eggs into one basket which is about to be thrown against a wall and shattered.

“What makes you say we aren't friends?”

“You're only here because of our stupid deal and now you're trying to make me feel better because my mom is sick like I'm a charity case. Besides... I don't have any friends.”

I can practically feel his eyes narrow at me. As much as it hurts, I've accepted that I'm not good enough to be Levi's friend. He's perfect and I'm the ant everyone walks on; an insect who's not worth a second glance. But for some reason, I want him to know how I feel before this gets out of hand and I'm pulled around on a leash.

“I don't know where you got that idea, but I'm here with you because I want to be, not because I'm trying to fill a kindness quota.”

“Why? Why would you want to be around a loser?”

There's a light slap on the top of my head which messes up my hair and finally gets me to look up from the sun burnt grass. I do my best to flatten it down while keeping eye contact with those deep grey orbs. He's somehow managing to scold me through looks alone.

“You need to knock that off. You're not a loser or some kind of loner. If you're quiet then so be it, that's your personality.”

“But no one wants to be around people like me. I have to go to parties and be the center of attention for anyone to even care-”

“I'm here aren't I?”

My jaw snaps shut and a blush burns red hot on my cheeks. I fix the strap of my bag which doesn't need adjusting and suddenly feel the need to shrink away under a rock. There's no way he could enjoy being around me. If this is all out of his own free will like he says, then maybe there is something. It's hard to believe him, but it's enough for my heart to start pounding in my chest. I need to say something. I want to tell him. It won't hurt, right? I like him. A lot.

“Levi... I-”

“Eren!”

My own name booms loudly in my ears sending nightmares behind my eyes. I flinch hard and curl back away from Levi to spot the one person I never wanted to see. That flutter in my chest turns into an ache stretching into my stomach to my core. My hard reaction doesn't go unnoticed and Levi turns to watch my father storm across the field with his eyes locked on my trembling body. My legs are stiff, but I find the will to move them to prevent something I don't want anyone to see.

“I- I have to go.”

Dammit my voice is nearly gone. Those beautiful grey eyes turn back to me and I avoid them at all costs. There's a gentle touch around my arm and it hurts to bad to try and pull away.

“We can go out to eat if you want so we can talk more. I can tell your dad I'll bring you home.”

Looks like he figured out our relationship pretty fast. I don't look a thing like my father except maybe our hair colour and our lanky bodies. The last thing I want is for Levi to get involved with my family. One sentence is enough for my cover to be blown and my life to be exposed to the one person I care about.

I need to leave. Every passing second is another step my father takes towards me. He wouldn't do anything in public, right? Even so, I can't risk it. I try to take another step, but that grip around my arm increases enough to hold me in place. I tug against it with no results.

“N-no forget about it...”

“I'll pay for you-”

“No!”

The crack in my voice is so loud against my ears. The look I receive forces guilt to curl in my stomach as if I just slapped Levi across the face.

“I-I can't... I'm sorry.”

“Eren... are you okay?”

No. I'm not. There's nothing you can do so let me continue to live out my own hell. The trembling in my voice and limbs is something I can no longer hide even though I thought I was doing an okay job. I suppress the urge to scream and swallow it to the back of my throat along with the lump preventing me from breathing.

“Let go.”

“What's wrong with you?”

“I-I need to go.”

“Eren-”

“Levi, please... please...”

My last tug is enough for him to back off and release my arm however confused he might be. I can't waste anymore time standing around waiting for the shadow to be cast over my body. It's painful to keep my heart from exploding when I near my father. I'm praying he won't do anything to tip Levi off about what kind of shit I've been dealing with. I'm in too much of a panic to think of an excuse as to why I decided to stay after school. He caught me red handed, so is there really anything I can say?

“Dad... I'm... I'm sorry.”

His eyes are burning into my skin to add to the pain. I can't look at him, but I feel the strength of his fingers pressing hard into the back of my neck; pushing me towards the parking lot forcing me to stumble. My gaze is locked with the ground and he guides me to the car, opening the door and nearly shoving me inside. I fight back the tears and try to look as normal as possible with Levi still watching from the far side of the field.

The car ride is silent and that scares me more than him yelling into my ears. It shouldn't take two hours to get to the house, but that's what it feels like. I can hear the texture change under the car tires and shrink into the seat knowing we're home on the stone driveway. I want to stay in the car. I don't care if I freeze out here at night, I don't want to go inside. I don't have much of a choice when he gets out and pulls me from the vehicle by my hair. I cry softly, but keep my mouth shut after that. He hates the sound of my voice.

Getting up the front stairs is a challenge, but he releases me into the floor once inside and I crawl next to the couch like a puppy with my tail between my legs. I still can't look at him. I'm too scared. His footsteps follow me and that shaking I felt earlier returns stronger right to my core and the silence is psychological torture.

“I-I'm sorry... i-it was the first game... a-and Mikasa-”

“Shut up!”

His voice is thunder in my ears. I curl back further against the couch and pull my arms up to block out the sound. I really fucked up. Was it worth it, Eren? Were those few minutes alone with Levi worth the pain in your chest?

“I'm not interested in hearing your fucking excuses.”

“I'm sorry... I promise I won't do it aga-”

“I told you to shut up!”

I heard the sickening noise before feeling any pain. I don't think anything broke, but his foot connected hard enough with my side that I'm scared something snapped out of place. A single sharp cry leaves my throat and I stop myself by biting my lip to prevent anymore. It hurts so bad. My breathing is jagged as each inhale is a knife in my gut. He did his job at silencing me.

Each breath turns into small panicked gasps when my hands are pulled away from my face. I'm scared he'll hit me again. It wouldn't be the first time. His thick fingers are wrapped around my wrists preventing me from pulling away as he stares down at my struggling body. If he's going to hurt me, I'd rather he do it now to save the anxiety of waiting. I just want it to stop before I lose all circulation in my hands.

“When you live under my roof, you follow my rules do you understand me?”

My nod comes slowly, but it's not good enough for him.

“I said do you understand!?”

“Yes... y-yes... I'm sorry.”

His breath is hot against my ears and I flinch back squeezing my eyes shut as if that's going to help block out the sounds ringing through my brain. I hate the sound of my own voice. I hate how it becomes so weak when I'm backed into a corner. There's no fight left and maybe there was never any to begin with. Why can't I do anything?

“You pull some shit like that again and you'll be living on the fucking street.”

A hideous sob leaves my lips and it's enough for him to crack. He leaves his mark on my cheek with a rough slap, pulling my wrists forward to catch myself before I hit belly first on the floor. The only good aspect is that he finally releases the rug burn type hold on my wrists and walks away into the kitchen. On a normal day my mother would be there, but I'm glad she's not. I don't want her to see any more of this.

I take my chance to leave; sprinting up the stairs as fast as my shaky legs can carry me. I nearly trip a couple of times, but make it to my room and shove my chair under the doorknob to serve as a lock. I should have gone to the bathroom to clean the blood from my lip, but it's too late now. I don't want to leave when I know I'm in the safest place I can be. Well, when it comes to the house anyways.

I barely make it two steps into my room until my legs give out and I slump next to the bed. Pain shoots up my side and I resort to whining quietly instead of actual crying. A large red welt on my side is the only sign I took a beating. Looking at it disgusts me. My shirt can hide the scars, but it can't hide the memories of every other time I've had to feel my father's fury on my skin. Each one hurts just as bad as the last. Each one is because of my stupid mistakes. I should have known better. I was dumb enough to believe being with Levi would be worth the pain. I was also naive enough to think I could escape it if I remained oblivious to my father's strict rules.

Water swells on the brim of my eyes and I wipe it away quickly as if it was never there. I'm okay. I swear I'm okay. I've been through this before, it's just like any other night. The edge of my sweater burns against the skin of my wrists and I'm too afraid to look at the marks. Apologies mean nothing here and receiving any sort of forgiveness from my dad is similar to getting blood from a stone. The pain is supposed to teach me, so why am I still making mistakes?

I deserve the pain. I'm not the picture perfect son who does well in school and is involved in all the sports teams. I'm not the tall, handsome, bulky guy all the girls fight over- not that I want girls anyways, but that's what I'm supposed to be. If I looked different or acted different, maybe my father wouldn't hate me so much. It's wishful thinking even though it's too late to salvage my failures from the bottom of an unending pit.

My hands pat over my clothes trying to locate my phone, which seems to have been forgotten near the stairs along with my bag. I can't go down and get it. I'm too scared. All I want is to call my mom and hear her voice. I want her to tell me what she's been doing and maybe distract my throbbing brain with stories so I can fall asleep. I don't like being awake. My nightmares might be bad, but consciousness is the worst kind of suffering.

There aren't many options. I'm left with no distractions and dull aches all over my body. The faint taste of copper is coating my tongue and the simplest act of laying down hurts more than it should. It's been awhile since I've felt this much pain. My father must have been more frustrated than usual, but at least I'm useful to him in some twisted manner. If that's all I'm good for then I'll accept.

I don't deserve to be around anyone. What was I thinking? Levi doesn't need to waste his time on someone like me. I've known that since the beginning yet I was trying to force myself into his life. I'm stupid. I'll never reach that pedestal of relevancy and this pain is my reminder.

The tears streak across my cheeks without my noticing. There's no strength to wipe them away now that I'm alone. It's alright if I'm a weak little child when there's no audience staring me down to confirm my pathetic reputation.

My legs become stiff after sitting on the floor for so long. They're shaky, but stable enough to hold my weight and carry it to the bed. There are no lights and the sun is being blocked out from my closed curtains I neglected this morning. It helps to keep my headache at bay when I lay down facing the ceiling with no real purpose. The clock becomes my worst enemy now that I can see the red numbers in the corner of my eye. I mentally count down how long I have before my father leaves for work, or how many hours are left before I'm forced to go to school and kicked around like a hacky sack. I won't be there for much longer; Three more years and I can remove the invisible chains.

Until then I'll be fine. I swear everything will be okay.

 


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't sleep at all. That fact isn't overly shocking. I stared at my walls in the dark until my eyes created moving patterns on the paint as if I was on an acid trip. The pain in my body was too much to simply ignore and catch a solid eight hours. I heard my father leave for work, though I'm not sure what time that was. I stayed in my room with the chair still pressed firmly under the doorknob and blankets covering ninety percent of my form. My alarm clock was useless as I woke up on my own and proceeded to get ready for school as a zombie. I've never gone a whole night without sleeping ever since my father first laid a hand on me back in elementary school. It never gets any less terrifying.

Most of my morning preparation is me standing motionless in the shower staring down at the water trailing off my arms. It relieves some of the pain for a brief period of time. The clothes I pull from the closet are a wrinkled mess and I throw them on anyways. My backpack was where I left it at the base of the stairs full of homework yet to be touched. My phone is buried inside which I will be locating later or I'll be late.

I make sure the front door is closed and locked and head to school with the sun blinding my still tired eyes. I was dumb and didn't bring a jacket, so I'll be freezing my arms off on my short walk if they haven't gone numb already.

My route into the school changes on my own accord; going out of my way to avoid Levi's locker and all the people that will inevitably surround it. I take one of the back entrances and duck away unnoticed to my locker on the second floor. Well, unnoticed for the most part. I avert my eyes from the group of boys hovering around the area, but that doesn't help my situation.

“Hey, Jaeger...”

The greeting isn't friendly, more like a taunt. My intentions are to ignore them, however that becomes increasingly more difficult when they all approach my locker. An arm slams the door closed in my face causing me to jump back with a small cry. The damn asshole nearly tore off my fingers. I have no choice but to look at said asshole.

“I saw you with Levi yesterday. What was that about?”

“It was nothing...We were just talking.”

My voice doesn't sound as stern and confident as I'd like. It's my own fault for not waiting until the whole field cleared out from the game before I decided to pull Levi aside. Of all people to see me, why did it have to be them? Someone out there must really hate me.

“Oh yeah? Talking about what?”

“That's non of your business.”

All I want is to put away my stuff so I can leave. I'm not looking forward to first class since there's a very good chance I'll fall asleep and be even further behind than I already am. Not to mention the teacher hating my guts and the incomplete homework crumpled in my bag. School isn't exactly an escape from home that I enjoy.

“Come on. We wanna hear the story.”

A palm is placed against my locker keeping it forced shut and the two other boys loom over my shoulder casting shadows across the wall. Why did they have to pick today to torture me? I've been torn apart the past few days and have nothing left to fight with.

“It was about soccer, so there's no reason for you to be interested.”

“Oh really? Jean says otherwise.”

That's a name I haven't heard for a few days. Not ever since he was in that gang threatening to tear up my notebook and making a complete fool out of me in front of Levi. I wish I could forget that smug looking horse face who does nothing but irritate the piss out of me, but now isn't the time to be worried about that.

“What's your point?”

A better question would be how did Jean know what we were talking about in the first place? It's all thanks to my stupid brain having tunnel vision when my crush is in front of my face. Caution is thrown out the window and now it's coming back to bite me where it hurts the most.

“Word has is you want to be his bitch, so correct me if I'm wrong.”

No. Oh god no. No one can find out about this. I'll ignore his bitch comment and worry about the meaning behind it. My heart nearly lodges into my throat with a choke and my method of breathing becomes rather twisted. Their multiple sneers are taunting me waiting for an answer I don't have. Just lie you idiot, you've done it a million times before. I look away giving just enough hesitation for them to pounce on like a wounded animal.

“Oh my god, you're a fag aren't you?”

That words shoots pain into my spine, but I swallow back the bitter taste it leaves across my tongue. I'm sure there are worse things to be called, but that one hurts the most for some reason.

“That's not true! I was only asking him a couple questions.”

My words go unheard. All of them knew the answer before coming up here in the first place. They push each other playfully with snickers and grins that send an uneasy knot to the pit of my stomach. They don't believe me. Lie again, say something else. I'm straight. I swear I'm straight please don't tell anyone.

“It's true, we were only talking. Jean is an idiot for thinking I like him.”

My voice raises unintentionally trying to get them to hear my words. Everything I say falls on deaf ears and my body is starting to tremble from the nearby crowd gathering out of curiosity. I have nothing to do but hold my arm to try and stop the pressure building in my chest. I won't take my books to class. I don't need them this badly. I need to get away from here. With my first few steps something pushes against my shoulder and I fall into an adjacent locker, catching myself before I end up on the ground.

“I bet you wanna suck his dick too. God, you're fucking disgusting.”

It's disgusting. I'm disgusting for liking a boy, right? Maybe they're not wrong in thinking that. Any normal boy would find a small blond, or one of those models you see on magazine covers. Why am I not like that? Why did I have to open my fat mouth and talk to Levi in the first place? I want to be normal that's all. Why can't I have something so simple?

“I don't...”

My voice is broken. There's no point trying to say anything now. There are other students stopping their routine to stare at me with the new information cycling in their minds. I've never wanted to remain invisible so much in my life. I'm shoved again, but harder this time with the intentions of doing some sort of damage. My neck is jerked back by the hood of my sweater and all I can do is choke out a cry and hope they don't try and strangle me as a sick joke.

“Levi!”

One of their obnoxious voices shouts down the hall and it takes all of my strength not to cry. If I put any effort into fighting back then my mask will be broken. The best I can do is tug against the host on my hoodie in the hopes of them letting go. I doesn't happen and I have to watch painfully as Levi addresses his attention to the group yelling his name. It's not something he was expecting that's for sure. I hate that he came up to the second floor to begin with. He has no reason to be here.

“Jaeger wants to be your little slut.”

Our eyes lock briefly and it's for two seconds too long. The confusion is written all over his face. Those stern eyes narrow and my heart crumbles from between my lungs. Not like this. I didn't want him to find out like this. I'm supposed to be his friend and that's it. I'm not supposed to like him. I'm straight. I swear, Levi.

The steps he takes are slow and the frown on his face grows progressively more agitated with each new sentence the guys throw his way. Each one cuts a new wound into my heart letting a pool of blood gather on the floor at my feet. Don't believe them, Levi. Of all things, please don't let them be the reason you hate me.

“We'll put him on his hands and knees for you.”

“Would you guys leave the damn kid alone.”

I'm a kid. That's it. That's all I am to him. I'm a weak, pathetic child who needs to be looked after like a newborn puppy. How can we be friends if I'm nothing but a kid? How can I be anything to him? I can't. I'm never going to be good enough. I let my stupid mouth open to risk my security for a love that has snowball's chance in hell. I'll lose everything I had, even if the stupid texts between Levi and I were a few words and completely meaningless. At least it's something. Why bother opening up when it's all going to be torn apart?

My composure is lost the moment I feel that first tear. It brims my eyes for a few seconds, but ultimately falls with the weight of the world crushing my chest. I rip away from their grasp on my clothing and stumble to get my footing before taking off down the stairs. My sleeve wipes clumsily against my cheeks to get the tears I failed to blink away. I can see eyes staring at me from all directions and even receive a few slurs along the way. How does everyone know? I screwed up. I really fucked up.

I don't want to be here anymore. As much as school sucks, it was my safe place. It's the one spot where I could get away from my father and the thought of home and let my mind wander. It was supposed to be a getaway where I could be alone, so now what is it? It's another form of hell. I don't want to go home, but I can't stay here, not today while the rumors and whispers are still in circulation. No one was supposed to find out. Levi wasn't meant to hear any of it.

I find the nearest exit at the very base of the stairs and fall into the doors to lead outside. It's quiet now that classes are going to start within the next ten minutes. I should go, but I can't show up to class with swollen eyes and dirty clothes. My anxiety is shooting through the roof as it is. I'm confused and at a dead end with no options left but to give up. I don't belong here.

The air is muggy and thick with the previous rain that passed this morning. The concrete and sidewalks are still damp and the blanket of grey clouds has yet to leave the sky making my mood even worse. I want to go get my things, but the thought of going back to my locker is terrifying. I bet they dumped out everything in mu bag and stole what they wanted. It's not like anyone would stop them. At least it's nice to be outside away from the laughter and taunting of nearby students. I don't see what I ever did to them to deserve this.

I end up leaning against a wall a few feet away from the side exit to catch my breath and wipe away the moisture from my eyes. Classes are about to start and I have no courage left to go back into the building. Everyone knows. Levi knows. I would give anything to take back the little moments we had together if it meant keeping my secret. I'm sure he regrets being around me knowing my intentions. I can't go back inside. I don't want to be here. I don't care how scary it is to go home, I'd rather be alone in my room than surrounded by people.

The clattering of the metal door scares the living hell out of me enough to lose my balance. My first thought is a teacher coming out to drag me back inside, but the stature is off. And the hair, and the eyes...

“Levi?”

Why is he here? That's not good. If he wants to swing a few punches that's fine, but I hope he doesn't drag it out and invite anyone in the area. I avert my eyes immediately and can feel my pulse in my throat. I never wanted him to hate me, but what do I expect when I like him? Only girls are allowed to feel like this.

“I-I'm sorry... I promise I'll never bother you again.”

Our lunches together are over. The little talks at the lockers are over, my time around him in general has been severed with a dull knife; the same one carving away at my chest.

“What the hell were they talking about?”

He's pissed. Run. I can't move. I forget how to use my legs and simply clutch my arm digging my nails into the skin under my sweater. Footsteps reach my ears and the dark shoes Levi always wears come into my view. On any normal day I would be happy about that and maybe even a little nervous for him to see me blushing. Now I'm scared he's going to shove me into the wall.

“I-I don't...they... i-it's not true.”

Am I trying to convince him or myself? I'll pretend to be straight if that's what it takes to make everything go back to normal. I'll do anything. I can't look at him. Those deep blue eyes I came to adore will be glaring daggers and that will hurt more than any physical pain. If I stay here any longer then the outcome is inevitable.

“I'm sorry.”

My legs are heavy, but I get them to move along with the chains around my ankles. I can't run home like this despite how hard I try. A pressure around my wrist locks me into place nearly pulling me back off balance. I know who it is so my eyes stay locked on the ground; praying to no one in particular that I don't have to walk home with a bloody nose.

“I won't talk to you again, okay? I... we can pretend nothing ever happened.”

The words are sour against my tongue and leaves a taste of iron. I'll go back to being alone to keep everyone happy. My existence is tolerable when it goes unnoticed.

“Stop talking like that and tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I-I'm just going home.”

“That's not what I meant. I know those guys are assholes, but they've never talked like that before.”

“I-it was just a joke...”

“That's a pretty messed up joke.”

Being gay is messed up, right? Seems fitting. At least Levi is remaining oblivious to the truth instead of beating me into a wall for so much as looking in his general direction.

“Lets just forget about that for a second. I wanted to ask what happened yesterday.”

Yesterday? What was yesterday? My mind is too full of taunts and anxiety flowing in my body where blood should be. My focus is all out of whack and every noise is setting me off into a panic thinking an older kid is going to come through the side door and break my jaw. Word spreads fast around here. Gossip thrives in a crowd.

“I have no business asking about your personal life... but is everything okay? If it's my fault for keeping you after the game I apologize.”

My throat almost falls out of my mouth as I catch my breath and try to pull my arm away from him. I hate that he's holding onto it in the first place. I want to be selfish and blame him for everything; for the fact he's attractive, nice, smart, and uncomfortably understanding. I hate him for being close to me in a way that gets my hopes up every time. I want to blame him for living and making me feel this way. Why couldn't he just hate my like everyone else?

“You're right; it's none of your business.”

“I know, but the way he grabbed you-”

“It's none of your business!”

I hate the sound of my own voice. It cracks and my eyes finally turn to look at him. I'm expecting a confused pare of grey eyes to be staring back at me, but instead they're fixed on something lower. The pressure on my wrist loosens, but doesn't' disappear completely. His hands are soft, but his touch is irritating to the burn on my- fuck.

My first instinct is to push him away, but the only thing I can do is panic and hold my arm against my chest as if it's broken. I pull my sweater down over both my hands to overcompensate what I let him see. That look of concern is there, but it's different than I expected. It hurts to see it. There are a million lies I could spew to make it easier, but somewhere in the back of his mind he'll know the truth. I never should have stayed around here. I should have left earlier. Why am I cursed with the most unfortunate luck? If the truth came out little by little maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but why did it have to flow out like a sliced water bottle? Why now? And why did it have to be at Levi?

“Eren-”

“It's... I rub my wrists a lot.”

Stop it you idiot he can see right through you. I'm wasting my breath on meaningless words that are going to fall on deaf ears. Levi's eyes are fixated on me and back to my covered arms that have many more secrets hidden bellow the surface. This sweater is hiding more than just a couple bruises.

“Eren, what happened?”

The sentence is phrased less like a question and more of a demand. I look around nervously expecting to see a million sets of eyes staring in my direction. The school yard is relatively quiet now. There's a loud screech of metal pulling Levi's attention to the door giving me the out I desperately need. I get a small enough glimpse to see the auburn hair of Levi's friend poke out from the hall. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life. I'm relieved to see Levi isn't following me and the school becomes a blur behind my damp eyes.

Home isn't a home right now, more like a building with four walls, but I'll keep running until I'm safe. I don't care where I go right now as long as it's away from everyone.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than expected. Thank you to my two computers who decided to die on me at the same time and erase the chapter. (which had to be rewritten 3 times) ARRRG at least it's here!

It's more terrifying to enter to our empty house now more than ever. I'm expecting my father to be hiding behind one of the doors knowing I'm skipping school. It would be just my luck that he would take a sick day or the hospital would burn down as a giant middle finger to make the day worse. Fortunately, it was quiet and everything was how I had left it this morning. I left the lights turned out and crawled up the stairs like a newborn puppy all the way into my room. I closed the door for privacy reasons and tore of my sweater which did a terrible job at hiding what it was supposed to.

The marks look worse than they did yesterday. Why are they so red? Not only that, but they look bruised to the common eye. Now I'm left cursing myself for letting Levi see them in the first place. I really hope he doesn't tell anyone. I get enough abuse from my father, but now school? There's only so much I can take. I crawl into bed with my skin burning with the contact from the sheets and they never hurt this much before. The pain is hitting me all at once.

That one secret; the one crucial thing I didn't want anyone to know. All because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth in check and spewing my feelings like word vomit. I'm careless and get tunnel vision when I'm around Levi. I never should have talked to him on the field. Hell, I never should have gotten involved with him in the first place. Now on top of all that, he's seen my skin. The drastic change of pigment around my wrists, thankfully, was the only thing he saw. No one but me can see the rest of the bruises and marks hidden under my clothes.

I heard my father leave early in the morning and stared at the ceiling until my alarm pulled me out of bed to stop the annoying beep. I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and forget about school and all the bullshit that will come with it, but I know how upset my mom would be if she found out I was skipping classes. I haven't called her in awhile, but I should tonight to find out when she's coming back home.

Since I left my bag neglected in my locker, I walked to school empty handed and took an alternative entrance to avoid Levi's locker and cautiously approached my own on the second floor. The students were sparse, but all eyes burned into my body from all directions. My fingers took on a mind of their own as I fumbled with the lock and grabbed my phone from the bottom of my bag. My textbooks don't seem so important now that the whispers have gotten louder. I'm actually shocked all my things weren't stolen.

I enter my first class ahead of schedule to avoid the crowds and watch everyone filter in one by one. Fingers are pointed in my direction, though nothing is vocalized. I'm left alone with an empty desk void of any paperwork ad books which gives me no sympathy from the teacher. Another lesson passes without a single note taken and all words going in one ear and out the other. All in class work involved some form of textbook, so it was yet another thing to mark down as incomplete. I couldn't be any less productive if I tried.

Within the last ten minutes of class our last tests were handed out to keep everyone busy as they lost focus on the current work. I immediately knew my outcome when the paper was placed face down on the desk as I giant middle finger. Marks were being compared across the room with a few cheers and frustrated grunts thrown around, but I would give anything to see something other than a fail written in red pen. My dreams are far from reality and I'm met with a familiar sight and an extra line scribbled bellow the bloody stained letter.

_See me after class._

I quickly flip over the page to prevent any nosy people from peering at my mark, as if they don't already know I failed. I pick at the corner with a stone of anxiety swelling in the pit of my gut. I've never had a teacher yell at me and I have a feeling that's about the change. I'm completely still the moment the bell rings and everyone rushes out of class as if it's on fire. I'm one of the last ones as always and wait for a clearing before pushing out of my seat. The teacher is settled behind one of the lab desks tapping a pen impatiently.

It's hard to keep my eyes up knowing I'm a shame to the whole classroom. I keep my test folded with second thoughts of running out of the room to avoid this little meeting. An audible sigh reaches my ears with the slightest hint of pity. I guess it's hard not to pity the kid who sucks at everything.

“Eren... I'm sure you're aware I'm not impressed with your overall performance in this class.”

Neither am I. Neither is my mom or my dad. I nod at his statement.

“I know I've been hard on you, but that's simply because I don't want you to fail... but the way things are now I don't see how I can let you pass.”

The ball in my stomach turns into a boulder and nearly comes up my throat. My eyes are raised and maybe the room really is on fire. I'm starting to sweat and the smoke around my throat is suffocating.

“I can't fail...”

“There's only so much I can do when you're putting in little to no effort.”

“Let me redo the test! I swear I'll do better on the second try.”

“I can't give you any special privileges. There are several other students who have asked the same thing.”

So that's it? My mouth is open but there's no words. I know how mad my father can get with a crappy mark, but what will he do when he finds out I failed my history class? I've never had to go back and redo a year before.

“I'll do anything. Give me extra homework or something.”

Do I really have to beg? It will be the most humiliating time of my existence, but I'm going to be at my wits end by the time this is over. I'm regretting all those times I let my homework go rotting in the bottom of my bag or neglected studying in favour of crying myself to sleep.

“Please give me one more chance, that's all I need.”

His face screams skepticism for a good reason. My past work habits speak for themselves and he's thinking it will be a waste of time. I want to prove him wrong. I'll stay up all night completing 50 projects if that's what he wants. He has his thumb tracing his bottom lip in thought and glances to the side after a few moments. There's a low screech from a drawer and I'm met with a booklet of papers stapled neatly in the corner. A single finger taps the middle and suddenly his eyes are burning into my skull.

“This is an exam from last year. I will allow you to complete it in order for you to show me you truly have taken something away from this class.”

“An exam?”

“This doesn't mean you're excluded from the exam at the end of the year, but it's the best I can do to push you along.”

For once, I can actually feel the hint of a smile tugging at my lips. One chance. I needed one chance and I'm not going to screw this up. I eagerly pipe up even with the jaw dropping amount of paper dumped in front of me. I've never been so happy to see an exam before.

“I will give you two days to study, and you will need to take the test on your own time, be it after school or during lunch hour. If you can show me you have been paying attention, then I will reconsider your final grade.”

“I'll do it!”

The sentence is barely out of his mouth and I'm agreeing wholeheartedly to the conditions. I'll admit two days isn't a lot of time to prepare, but it's more than I was anticipating. It's time to take school a little more seriously if I want to get through this year unscathed. The teacher looks relatively pleased with my response and that's the first time he hasn't scowled at me since the start of the semester.

“Let me know tomorrow when you will be in to complete it.”

“I will.”

There's a tiny bit of hope at the end of the tunnel for me and I can't let it be snuffed out. I nearly forgot about the crummy test in my hand, but I don't need to show my father unless I fail this next exam. There's no way I'm letting that happen.

I leave the room in a decent mood with my mind lost in the clouds thinking of some methods of studying that will be successful when it comes to concentrating at home. Maybe I could ask Mikasa to help me. Dad doesn't mind her being at the house since he'd rather she was his daughter and not have me around at all. My thoughts are interrupted when I hit face first into someone's chest. It would be even more uncomfortable if it were a girl, but no, it turns out to be one of the many people I dislike in this school.

“Sorry... Jean.”

The apology is sour on my tongue and easily distinguishable as fake. It's bad enough that I have to share a class with him, but after hearing all the rumours he's been spewing the sight of his donkey face makes my cringe. I turn to leave down the hall, but I'm shoved back connecting with the locker.

“What's this shit about you getting to retake the test?”

He obviously missed most the conversation, but I'll let him fume about it.

“I'm guessing you failed it then?”

I'm taunting him without breaking eye contact. There's no way he would be this pissed off if he didn't do just as badly as me. His eyes narrow and his booming voice soon becomes the centre of attention to anyone passing by.

“What makes you so special? You do nothing in that damn class.”

“How am I supposed to know? Maybe he just doesn't like you.”

That comment alone gets me shoved harder against the locker. The pain is worth it after all the shit he's put me through. I haven't done anything to him so I have no idea why he feels the need to tear apart my life one person at a time.

“I bet he's being nice to you because he knows how you take it up the ass. If he's nice enough maybe you'll bend over for him.”

My brows narrow and an eruption of laughter ensues from over Jean's shoulder. He's gathered quite an audience by simply being around me. I knew word would spread quickly, but I was hoping the teasing and abuse would hold off a little longer.

“Shut up.”

I try to shove him off me, but his stature gains him an advantage. My tugging on his shirt goes unnoticed and he blocks each of my swings with ease. We're both grabbing at each others clothes with different intentions. His hands are curled into the collar of my shirt pulling me forward close enough to smell the breakfast on his breath. Disgusting.

“I have an idea for ya...”

There's a grin spreading across his face and my back connects with the wall a third time. I never intend to start anything, but conflicts tend to follow me around like a curse. If I can get out of here without a black eye then I'll be happy. I don't want to hear his raspy words, but he continues talking anyway to enjoy the sound of his own voice.

“If you're so willing to do anything to pass the course, just suck his dick.”

“I said shut up!”

My words mean nothing. They fall on deaf ears and I'm starting to get more frustrated than upset. I want everyone to leave me alone and go back to whispers where I don't exist.

“Twinks like you love doing that kind of shit, don't ya?”

There's nothing else around me. I don't believe I'm at school anymore with the haze circling my body. I hate this guy so much. Hate is a strong word, but I can say with confidence that I hate him for ruining my unimportant little life around here.

“Fag.”

His lips curl into a vulgar smile with the simple three letter word. I hate how it sounds ringing in my ears. My sudden urge to shrink away has dissipated somewhere beyond my reach. It was the only thing holding me back, and now I'm ripping Jean's hands off my shirt and shoving him back against a group of girls giggling about the comment.

My eyes feel as though they're burning out of my skull and melting the bones keeping everything intact. Jean is thrown off by the backlash, but is encouraged by the growing crowd to keep going. I can hear hollers and cheering through my clogged ears with my breathing amplified like a sub woofer. I'm not letting him get away with the shit he's spread. That one word alone makes me want to rip his heart out from his throat. Books are tossed on the ground behind Jean and he shakes his arms as if preparing for some martial arts fight. I'm not a strong match, but I'll let him feel what it's like to hurt. I'll do to him physically what he's done to me emotionally.

There isn't much waiting and I'm the first to step forward to create a tangled mess of arms and hands. Jean is taller than me by a few inches, but I do manage to land a few punches somewhere. It might have been his chest, but I really hope it was his face. The cheering becomes louder and a circle of students has formed around us to create an arena.

I shriek and kick out my legs as I'm tossed onto the ground like an old rug. My weight isn't helping me in the slightest so I can't count on it for anything. I play dirty and aim for his crotch, failing to make any sort of connection. A giant amount of pressure is placed on my stomach and I gasp for air clawing at the body that is now straddling me.

“C'mon Jaeger, you fight like a bitch.”

Why do I never listen to my mom and keep my emotions in check. I should know by now that I lose every fight I take part in. All I can do is hope I don't end up in the hospital for this now that my jaw is being hit over and over. My forearms deflect very few blows, but it's better than having those bruises on my face. I wan tto cry out, but for who? No one here is willing to help; in fact they're getting enjoyment out of this. The cheers are louder and even mixed with laughter as I struggle to breathe under the weight on my chest.

“G-get off!”

I claw like a maniac at the face sneering down at me. Aim for the eyes. It will give me a little advantage if the bastard can't see, but I'd rather take back my initial attack and forget this ever happened. Jean won't let me live it down. He wanted this.

My vision is fuzzy, but there's yelling all around us. Students are being parted and pushed aside by people much taller than them. I open my mouth to scream at them for help and I earn another fist to the side of my head. I hate being treated like an animal, and I become something close to one when Jean is pulled off my stomach and I lash out for a second time. I don't learn. Adrenaline is throbbing through my entire body giving me a slight high to ignore the pain. I want to tear this bastard in half, but I can't. Not only am I smaller and weaker, but I'm being held back.

“Break it up you two!”

The voice is deep and comes from the older man looming over Jean holding him at bay the same way I am. I wipe my face in anger finding hot tears rolling down my cheeks. I hate him. I hate him so much.

“Fuck you, Jean!”

“That's enough!”

The crowd who gathered to watch my humiliation slowly disperse now that Jean and I have been peeled off each other and the show is over. I don't see any blood on the floor so that gives me some sort of relief, but my brain still hurts regardless. A few students are still watching to see the outcome and their silence irks me more than it should. Why didn't they do anything? What did I ever do to them? Everyone in this damn place is the same.

Jean and I are both dragged down the halls to the principals office as expected. A scolding is in order for both of us, though I'm not sure how severe it's going to be. I'll give a fake apology if it means getting out of here sooner. I'm seated next to a dying plant that no one gives a shit about and I feel like throwing the pot at Jean's face. He's seated across the room shrugging off the situation feeling victorious for beating up the gay kid.

Life continues outside the glass doors leading to the main hallway and it kills me to sit here for a long and drawn out ten minutes. Eventually, we're both called into a separate room with tacky carpet and shelves full of books I could only dream of understanding. Jean huffs down into one of the two seats next to the long desk with a smug look in my direction. It takes all my strength not to lash out for a third time, but I manage to take a seat with my hands balled into fists.

I've never seen the principal face to face, but I've seen him wandering the halls. He looks like someone pulled out of a sports issue magazine. He could be out getting gold metals for his country, but instead he's here disciplining snot nosed teenagers. I don't know his name other than 'Mr. Smith'; the most generic last name to ever exist. He stares at both of us for a long minute before looking up at the door to his office to allow someone to enter. Whoever it is, she's an older woman who looks as though she's been pulled straight from the kitchen area of the cafeteria.

“Mom?!”

My eyes shoot to Jean who looks just as confused as me. They look nothing alike.

“What are you doing here?”

She huffs and rests her plump hands on her hips shaking her head in disappointment.

“Jeanboy, what's all this about you getting into fights? We've talked about this.”

For the first time ever I think I can actually see a hint of embarrassment on Jean's face. I wish I had a camera to capture this moment to make me laugh in the future. Why is it all preppy boys never want to be caught dead with their mom? It's all too amusing.

“He started it...”

The older woman lightly slaps her four fingers on the bridge of Jean's nose as if she's scolding a dog who just peed on the floor. I really don't know what to make of this situation.

“I don't give a rats bum who started it. You know better.”

There's another knock at the door and I'm expecting another strange adult to enter the room, but it's no stranger at all. My lungs drop into my stomach and I shrink deeper into the chair.

“Glad you could make it Mr. Jaeger. I apologize for calling you down here like this.”

Not here. Why is he here? He should be at work forgetting I exist. My palms are suddenly twenty degrees warmer and starting to sweat. That small amount of amusement I found in this whole ordeal is now gone and it's become too real. Those heavy footsteps stop behind my chair and I want to cry now more than ever.

“I'm so sorry for how Jean behaved, Mr. Smith. He's been acting up ever since his father left-”

“Stop blaming it on that fucking guy.”

I get a small glance to the side seeing Jean crossing his arms rolling his eyes. His vulgar language encourages another slap on the top of his head from his mother. I'll do anything to know what that's like. I want to have a life where my father doesn't occupy my every thought and nightmare. I want him to leave, but beating me down is more fun isn't it. He hasn't said a single thing since he came in here, but silence speaks volumes.

“I-I'm sorry for fighting...”

My voice is small, but I need to say something in the hopes my punishment won't be bad enough for my father to hurt me. I don't like that he's here in the first place. My eyes don't leave my hands all because I'm too afraid to look up and see the disappointment on everyone's face. I can see my father's figure off to my left and every small movement is enough for me to flinch, even though I know him well enough that he won't lay a finger on me until I get home.

“I appreciate the apology, Eren, but there is zero tolerance for violence in this school.”

Funny. That didn't seem to be the case when I was getting pushed into lockers a few days ago. I don't matter enough. Only the popular kids get special treatment and looked after like they're a prized trophy.

“Unfortunately I'm going to have to suspend the both of you for three days.”

No, no, no. This isn't happening. I want to open my mouth, but its frozen. My throat is closing up and it's taking every ounce of my strength not to scream and get on my knees to beg for another chance. Jean's mother vocalized the most shock from the sentence and her son could care less. I've never been suspended. Hell, I've never even skipped a class excluding yesterday. This is a punch in the gut and I'll be feeling it physically when I'm alone.

“Your homework and other assignments will be mailed to you, but you are not permitted on school property until the time is over.”

“Do... do we have to leave now?”

Let me stay. School will always be safer than home. I'll take the name calling and the shoving and cursing, but please don't make me leave.

“Your parents are to take you home immediately. Your three day suspension will start tomorrow.”

He says that will such a monotone voice it kills me inside. He doesn't know what he's doing. Why did my mother have to be gone on the day where I lose my temper and snap. My father hates missing any time at work and now that it's my fault, I'm going to hurt because of it. My apologies mean nothing so I stay silent and bite my lip as to not cry. I'll be doing that enough when I get home.

“I hope you boys will learn to control your anger during that time.”

Jean seems fed up with this inconvenience and moves to stand, but is stopped with his mother's hand on his shoulder. I know he's going to get a scolding too, but I'd prefer a stern talking to than leaning my lesson with bruises.

“We aren't leaving until you've apologized to this young man.”

The look I get from Jean is oddly sympathetic, but it doesn't do anything to calm my heart slamming against my ribs. Please don't ever apologize. I want to stay in this office until I die.

“Fine... Sorry.”

She stops him again before he can turn.

“For what?”

“For fighting with you because you're gay.”

His mother seems content with the words spoken, but I can no longer feel my heart. He can't know. He's not supposed to know. Not here, not now when he's already pissed off at me. Take it back. Rewind time and put everything back the way it was. Every word spoken in the room holds no meaning. Figures remove themselves one by one out the door and I can no longer breathe. I'm removed like a doll from my seat and every step adds extra weight into my ankles. I've never known this feeling before, but now I know what true terror is like.

 


End file.
